The Phone never rings when you want it to...

Today, wow, today was a day. I spent most of the day alone, except for a few hours at Old Chicago with my buddy Christine doing some extra open heart studies and having a few laughs. Everyday, is a new day to discover something about yourself. Today, I felt invincible. Weird. Me...I laugh and I am still chuckling over that one. However, today I learned I have less limits than I imagined. I wanted to get more done, but the scope of what I did get done was amazing.

This morning was a nightmare. No ands or ifs about it. This morning is a morning I could have lived my whole life without. I was faced with the utter destruction of years of work and a definite end to a very promising future. However, persistence, fortitude and a whole lot of paperwork and reasoning got my point across and I prevailed. After that the sky was the limit.

I wonder what I can't do now. I am not weak or frail, well most of the time anyway. I like to have help doing daily things, but you know sometimes there just isn't anyone to help and if you want a project done, well...you do it yourself. Even if you have never done it before or intend to do it the same way again. It's all a learning process I suppose and you are stronger for it. I am sun burnt and a bit sore...scratch that a lot sore, but I need to keep busy to keep my mind off my quiet house. It's dad's five weeks with the children at the beginning of summer this year, and I am kinda not digging the quiet. I called but no one answered so I left a message, again, and I can't sit around moping, waiting for the phone to ring, more like praying for it to ring, willing it to. But it doesn't.

So I mowed the lawn. At noon. In the heat. And I made sun tea. And then I figured I should plant the garden. So I took a shovel and cleared the entire front of the house by hand and planted hydrangeas, violets, inpatients and English ivy. Then I transplanted the kitchen herb garden and started some tomato plants. I looked around and said hummmmm...how do you do mulch? So I went back to wal-mart got some mulch and well I figured it out.

Then I took a shower and went to study with Christine. I thought perhaps after that I would take a nap and then tackle the last of my homework, but a nap didn't work out so well. Now I am transposing my day.

So my life lesson is today no matter what happens I can't sit around moping. I have to do what needs to be done and I can do it. It may not be perfect and it may not be the way the books say to do it, but I have a lovely flower bed now and a fresh mowed yard, and my herbs will flourish. So that is good in itself. I have to study now, so I guess I better stop here. I surprised myself today. I hope everyone who reads this does something to surprise themselves too. It really is an amazing feeling.

What is the day you realized you had the world in your hands?

It's almost three am and I am awake. After a busy day doing all the mommy things that I have to do I should be sleeping. Although, tonight I can't. I have been sleeping like a baby for the past ten days and have had such peace since I made a crucial decision in my life. Tonight however I am awake and I have so many things to talk about, but no one to listen. So I write.

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you want to shout from the rooftops? I am at such a moment, but before I get to that moment we have to consider all the other moments that have led up to it.

I am not good with alone. I have never been good with alone, however I have learned to be alone and have had to try to cope with the daily goings and comings of everyone around me. Six months of alone and constant disappointments. That is fine. That is the way of the world. We do what we must and cope with the rest.

I must say here that I pray everyday. I do. Even if I don't broadcast it and people around me think I am some bohemian misfit, I pray everyday. I ask for forgiveness, I ask for love and I ask for healthy happy children and guidance from the true mother of us all. I humble myself because I need to. Everyday is a reminder that I am in need of help and guidance and as far as I am concerned the Mother Mary is the best celestrial guidance I can ask for. So I do. She may not like my everyday life, but she appreciates that I try my hardest to live within the example she set.

Saying that, I have more to explain and more to expound upon. Tonight as I stay awake, my heart is miles from me. My woman's heart is far from me, but my Mother's heart is right next to me. I can't sleep because I keep peering into bedrooms and looking upon faces that I have memorized year after year. These faces produce in me a feeling of such love as to not be found I think except on the face and heart of every other mother I know. I keep looking for the one sigh or moment that means..."Mommy I need you." But they are sleeping.

Last night I was very needed. I had to chase monsters out of a closet and soothe the fears of a beautiful little boy who watched Monster's Inc, and thought Sully was hiding in the closet. Funny I thought it would be spiderman or Sonic the hedgehog that produced these fears.... Anyway, after chasing monsters, I had to secure the perimeter as I was told and make the safe spot so nothing could slip under the bed too. A radio, a nightlight, a flashlight, and a couple of stuffed animals later, and well I had someone crawl into bed with me anyway to be sung to sleep and then carried later to his own room. It was so super nice to cuddle him up and rock him like I used to do and sing him to sleep and carry him passed out to bed.

Today, wow today. Grocery shopping with children is quite an experience. Any mommy out there knows if you can leave the children at home while grocery shopping you should do it! It scares me how much they can manipulate me into buying food wise. I start with good intentions and give them healthy choices. We shake watermelons and tap apples and look over bananas and oranges, however when it comes to breakfast cereal and frozen treats, I get well I get hosed! I will admit a trip to super Walmart is not good for me. Well financially anyway. Breaks me every time. However at least I remembered the light bulbs!

We also went to the Family Thrift Store today with the mindset of finding baseball gear, shorts, and well old fashioned thermoses. I read an article recently about school lunches, and how healthier lunches start at home with mom. No longer is the lunch a sandwich a fruit snack and a chip and juice box, the lunch is now homemade soups and healthier sandwich wraps and homemade fruit cups. So we found three good thermoses and I am going to make another batch of chicken soup. That and pesto turkey wraps with fresh cut fruit cups will be on the menu Monday. Perhaps not only is it healthier and more filling but will also be a better introduction to expanding the palette. I want my children to eat veggies and fruits and new foods, but geez with all the box stuff and the precessed foods they get sometimes that is hard, but I am willing to try. If they trade at lunch time, well I can't prevent that, but I can introduce them to better choices. Right?

Then we played outside and rode bikes, I mowed part of the lawn and ran out of gas...Silly mommy did not have a gas pan to fill...sigh. After that we made dinner and it was a family affair. We made a huge Mexican feast and after an hour running around in the sun and a long day of shopping, we were hungry, so we munched down some tacos and enchiladas and burritos for the vegetarian, and watched a movie. After movies it was shower time and then reading prayers and bedtime. My Mommy's heart is full. We had a great day, full and exciting and just us. Nice.

You know I was going somewhere completely different with the start of this blog, but I am going to finish it with this. I love my children, I love my woman's heart who will be home soon, and I love the life that is ahead, because today the world is mine and I am happiest in it. No matter where I am, no matter what I do, no matter what happens, I have love and I have my life, my blessings, my beloved. Life is good.

Flightless bird

It's been a while since I have been able to update my blog and I have missed my thoughts flowing so effortlessly onto my computer screen. I find comfort in the small things lately. Life has been super stressful and very very mind boggling. So many good things have happened and so many no so good things as well.

It's so true when you imagine your life through that childhood mirror of what will happen and how great it will be when you are an adult. Then the reality hits and adulthood takes you and throws you to the wolves of reality.

Sometimes life can be crushing and other times life can be just blessings. So you take the blessings and hope for a better tomorrow. Well it is tomorrow and I see only bright futures ahead. That does not mean that I am not worried about how the future will fall, it just means that I am less afraid of the future being horrid.

The babies are such a blessing. Even though each one rebels against me calling them babies, it still is a blessing everyday to wake up to the sweet meanderings of children. Some days I could do without the teenage angst and the squabbles but most days I am happy to just be able to see them and smile.

We have fought and today we have won a small victory towards the future, but we are not done fighting yet. The angst for me is that no matter what I just want them happy. My happiness does not matter as long as they, my beautiful babies grow up to be the beautiful amazing people that I know they are.

Sometimes the loneliness surrounds me and I feel at odds with the strictures placed upon me, but as the adult it is my duty to rise above and hope for a better day. I can see the better day coming but it does seem so far away. I do falter in my prayers sometimes when I face my cold lonely bed, and I think God please.... but then I remember that I am not the important issue here, they are.

The house is quiet now. Only the ocean machine is making noise. I am awake and alone and pondering a good day. We had a wonderful time at the field trip. We went to the Metamora court house and other parts of old Metamora and learned many wonderful things. Adia was so happy all day. She smiled and laughed and refused to leave my side.

So my lesson is patience, perhaps someday soon my dreams and hopes will be fulfilled but until that time I am focused on making all of their dreams come true. And come hell or high water, I will make it so.

I think I will sleep on the couch tonight. In fact I will. My bed is too big and too lonely to sleep in.

Until then, I remain here waiting and hoping and praying...


My music tonight...

Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine

I was a quick, wet boy
Diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes
Wide on my plastic toys
Then when the cops closed the fairI cut my long, baby hair
And stole me a dog-eared map
And called for you everywhere
Have I found youFlightless bird, jealous, weeping
Or lost you, American mouth
Big pill looming
Now I'm a fat house cat
Nursing my sore, blunt tongue
Watching the warm, poison rats
Curl through the wide fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures
Thrown in the cold and clean
Blood of Christ mountain stream
Have a found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding
Or lost you, American mouth
Big pill stuck going down

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

"When all the world is a hopeless jumble and the rain drops tumble all around,

Heaven opens a magic lane.

When all the clouds darken up the sky ways there's a rainbow highway to be found.

Leading from your window pane.

To a place behind the sun just a step beyond the rain...

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high

There´s a place a land that i heard of

Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue

And the dream that you dare to dream

Really does come true

One day i wish upon a star

Wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Way upon the chimney tops

That´s where you´ll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow

Blue birds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why, oh why can´t i?

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Way upon the chimney tops

That´s where you´ll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow

Blue birds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why, oh why can´t i?

I sang this song to my daughter recently and we had a moment of just true peace and love. We dreamed of what the world would be like if we had just peace. No yelling, no fighting, no mean people, just God's love and our love and a world of peace and freedom. We talked about a loving peaceful world were no one was hungry or hurting or at odds. We talked about a place where there was no need for soup kitchens and sad people who needed to see therapists. We drew a rainbow picture and then discovered that the world we live in needs people like us to make it better. She was crying a bit and sad a bit, but she understood that the need to help the world get better is very important.

So we looked at what would be our rainbow. She said that me being a nurse was a rainbow, and I told her yes it was my greatest rainbow next to being a mommy.

Perhaps I should have told her that even if mommy was not a nurse then I would still try to help the sick and needy with whatever I could because that is what God has called me to do. I missed that opportunity. I should have told her that my rainbow is waking up and knowing that my three babies are well, healthy, whole and wonderful. Just knowing they are here and living good happy lives makes me live a rainbow everyday. I should have told her that no matter what happens in this life that God has called us to be servants to each other and to fulfill our mission in life with honesty, love and integrity. No matter if I am a nurse who saves lives or a waitress bringing sustenance to others, it is my/our mission to be helpers of mankind. I hope she will understand that one day. I intend to tell her soon.

All three of my babies are my rainbows. They are my happiness.

I have been fortunate. I have a job that allows me to fulfill my mission in life, I have the love of a good decent honest and wonderful man, and I have the most beautiful children. I am blessed beyond imagining. I need nothing else.

Right now the skies are kinda dark, and the clouds are threatening, but I have what I need. God will provide the rest and I will accept whatever comes.

Noteables

I like quotes. I like to read them and ponder them, and sometimes I like to apply them. It is a very interesting thing to look into someones thought process and find out the better and worse qualities of a mind. It never fails to amaze me what we can come up with as humans and thinkers. Sometimes I am stumped and sometimes I am very appal ed but most often I am amazed.

Today's quote from Mother Theresa goes like this..."I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world." Wow what a statement. She really was a large pencil, but in her humility she stated she was a small fragment of God's good works. So I say to myself as I ponder her thoughts that what sort of pencil am I? I thought perhaps I am a very small nibbed pencil and I don't make a difference at all in this world, but someone very dear to me told me to think again and take a deeper look into myself. So that is my journey today in this blog...a deeper look.

What makes a difference? I give a dollar to the homeless man and a smile. I give food to those who need it. I give any material items my family can't use to the less fortunate, I go to Mass on a regular basis. Humm that's not a big dent in the world at all. It helps those little things. So I think in looking deeper I am not succeeding.

The difference in being a big pencil and a small snub pencil is not only what we do but what we live. So I am thinking very diligently what do I live? I have my thoughts on politics and religion. I have my opinions on society and culture. I have my black and white logic and my shadings of grey logic. But what do I live?

So I made a list of everything I request and require from my children and myself. It's not all inclusive, but it is a good start on the process of finding how we live our lives.

I make meals and request we sit as a family to eat dinner so we can talk to each other.
I request and require that we pray together everyday at least once not counting meal time.
I request and require positive words and affirmations when we deal with each other as a family and with those who are around us.
I request respect of elders and children alike. I request not to take the Lord's name in vain or to use fowl words.(Does not always happen but we try.)
I request that we laugh and play and show affection with hugs and high fives. I request that each child hears and feels I love you daily.
I request that we do community service as a family and as individuals.
I request that we give God his full due and pay attention in Mass and then discuss it afterwards.
I request that we hold God at the center of our family and be open to His gifts and wisdom.
I request that we have time to share with friends and family that build lasting memories.
I request that we do projects together and work with our hands learning new skills like sewing and painting and crafting.
I request that we do not go to bed angry or upset with each other.
I request that no gets hit or spanked or hurt by each other. We are a family and a family is love not punishment by pain.
I also request that we read daily and study diligently to become better people.

All in all it is rather a short list. I have to think harder perhaps to come up with a more detailed list, but that is the basics I know. And so far it's worked pretty well living that way. Sometimes we fall out, all of us do. Sometimes there are squabbles and fights and hurt feelings, but with love therapy and hugs instead of spankings, those don't happen often. Not everyday is going to be a good day. It's like I tell my son when he is having a rough go of it and is misbehaving. I say "Buggie Boo you are not a bad boy, you are just having a bad day. We can fix that." And then we spend our time fixing the bad day to make it a good one. Sometimes all he needs is for me to listen and give an extra hug. Then it's all good and there is not another issue all day. Sometimes to avoid problems you have to be proactive and preventative. In that measure I am all about giving hugs and high fives and posting crafts and homework on the fridge. You can barely find the handle I have so much posted on it. The wall next to it is useable space as well. I even have their art framed and used as decorations in the home. But it is the respect, the affirmation, the attention to just them that makes those little issues not turn into big ones. Through my actions and my words I say to each child "I love you. I respect you. I am proud of you." Makes life a whole lot easier let me tell you.

I do that with friends and family as well. I love you, I respect you, I am proud of you and I am proud that you love me too. Makes the days go by on a happy happy note.

Yesterday was a good day. My oldest and I got to be in the St Patty's Day parade. We were riding on a flatbed float throwing candy to the crowd and waving having a great time. Then we went and had lunch with a wonderful friend. Then we spent family time with another family and had the traditional dinner of corned beef and cabbage and corn muffins and potatoes. The children played outside, we took a long walk after dinner, we played Wii afterwards and we just laughed and had a wonderful time. When Ave and I were leaving she said to me.."Today felt really good, like it's supposed to be, you know? Like family." That was a notable quote too, because she saw what I see and for a teenager to say that is huge. She saw and felt the love of good friends and good happy laughter. She saw what it was really about. Love feels good.

Sigh..And sigh again

A big sigh. When my mother used to sigh at me I would always ask her what was wrong. After a few times she would say "Nothing Dorienne I just sigh..." I remember that because in my young brain I said I would never sigh like that. Unfortunately, I now understnad why she would sigh. It's not like you can tell your child all the things on your mind, so instead you hide it behind a sigh. I get it now. So....Sigh.

I would like to hold myself to a better standard and I like to think I keep to that standard, but sometimes things happen that make me remember that I am only human and I will eventually make mistakes. When I make those mistakes I have to remember that perhaps I am not as bad as I imagine and I should just let it go.

I like to think about lions and their mothering skills sometimes. Mother lions are very protective and very dedicated to thier young. They are fierce and loving. Human mothers can be the same way. I know this and when we feel our children are being mistreated in anyway we become fierce.

I don't think it is the fierce moments that define us however. I think it is those other moments, the millions of little moments that happen day to day. The bandaid, the smile, the words of encouragement, the going out of your way to buy pudding pops for a play date even though you really did not have the time to stop at the store and find that one perfect box of frozen goodness. But you do it anyway.

Mothers are very defined characters. In the media when a mother does a horendous act the public fails to understand it and rails against the mother. However when a mother does a heoric act or a daily affermation of love, no one seems to notice. Ohh but they notice. The babies notice and remember. Not just mommys but daddies too. They remember ever time you sat down and did homework with them. They rmeember ever baked cookie and every mud pie, and every bandaid. They make the world seem full and wonderful just with a simple smile and a loving wave as they run off to play and be happy.

Today is a day. Tomorrow is a day. And perhaps we can all just sit and be greatful for what we have and the blessings we have. No one knows how much time we all have. Only God knows, and so with that being said, I am going to head off to bed and get some sleep. I have Mass in the morning and three sleepy babies to get up and go. We have a play date and a Sunday dinner to make. We have banana bread to make and a craft to complete. We have to throw the baseball around in the backyard and listen to stories that were written. I am going to enjoy every minute I have and be greatful.

Fear Itself

In Mass on Sunday, we discussed sin. Or rather we listened while the homily was about sin and how it affects us. I thought hard about what was said to us. I really pondered what I think of as right and wrong. I wondered about the grey area that sometimes clouds our judgement. Truly the hardest thing to do is look in the mirror and say, "You are doing wrong. You must do better."

On the reverse of that I remembered a few other little quips from previous homilies. When we are on the right path and we are doing what is right and what must be done, we are tempted the worst. What makes you stray from your dedication but the sweetest temptation? And how sweet it is when we fall and give in? Right?

So I am sitting here seriously pensive thinking of all the wrongs I committed in my life and all the "I'm sorry's" I have said and I am thinking that perhaps being so hard on myself is not going to make me feel better or be less pensive, but it will steer me in the right direction of not making those mistakes again and never having to apologize for doing the same wrong thing. That I suppose is growth and maturity.

I wonder in my daily life about the black and white and the grey. As we grow and mature we find so many areas in our lives and our virtues that we can shade grey and try to maneuver out of doing the right thing. However at the end of the day and thus the end of our life we have to atone for those grey areas. It reminds me of a movie from the 80's called Defending Your Life. What will I say when I have to defend my position to God in the final moments of my soul? I want to be able to say "Yes Lord I made mistakes but I lived my life by the goodness and grace of the examples you sent to us." That should not be so hard, I think, perhaps I am wrong.

Looking over the daily headlines it seems I am wrong. Where has all the goodness in the world gone? Where has our God gone? What do we need in this age to rediscover the goodness inside of us and around us?

God is still with us. I know it, I feel it. The goodness we once prided ourselves on is still evident in the world, but daily it gets harder and harder to find as we obsess over the evil and wrong doing.

Tomorrow is a big day for me and my tender family and we need as many prayers of support as we can get. We are looking for a miracle and a good turn around. tomorrow is just the stepping stone to a new and difficult adventure for us, but we are going to withstand it together. I am hopeful and I am afraid of the journey.

So my lesson today is fear. My greatest downfall has always been pride, but today it is fear. I am afraid that the bad and the wrong will over take the goodness I know is there in the world. I fear that humanity is going to such lengths towards misery that we have lost sight of the joy.

My heart is heavy tonight.

One of those Moments Again

Today I found Dorie again. It's strange how she seemed to disappear for a little bit. Not that Dorie has this way of leaving the planet or anything weird like that, but she falls into a passive pattern that makes it seem as if she is hiding somewhere. I started my day as I always do, but when I woke this morning even good coffee could not erase the funk that had taken over the morning.

Mornings are not my strong suit. In fact it would be a rather fair assumption to say that I am one of the worst morning people in the world. If I really wanted to sacrifice for Lent I would have said "Okay Lord, I will be cheerful in the mornings." Instead I gave up all junk foods, ice cream, chips, chocolate...you get the idea.

As I drove off to work my mind was on mediocre things, nothing palatable at all really, just whatever a person who is not nearly awake enough is going to do for the next twelve hours. The ride to work is not always this boring but today it was and I was not prepared to get to work so quickly. I walked into the hospital and up the stairs to my area and felt a bit of a intensity in the air. The excitement started to wake me up almost instantly. It's instinctual I think in Critical Care nurses, when you feel the energy in the air and you know something is going to happen and happen soon you get ready, you perk up as if on high alert.

I went to the break room, finished my coffee while we decided assignments and then it was report time. I went out to get report and then it happened. I got caught in the energy, I got caught in the happening. As the situation went from unstable to more unstable I had a one second moment of doubt. With everything going on in my life, I had that moment of can I do this? And then the Holy Spirit took over me, not in a crazy metaphysical way or some crazy rush of spiritual enlightenment, I just had a warm feeling inside of me like a soft whisper of encouragement and I jumped into action.

The choices at that point I made from my knowledge and my experience and my education. When I did not know or needed help I called for it. The team work was amazing, anyone near came to my aid when I needed it and we did what had to be done and kept going. We worked together and worked hard. I went to the bathroom for the first time at noon.

Which brings me around full circle. I had lost that confidence in myself and was going through the motions asking for advice instead of listening to my instinct and using my knowledge base. A nurse I work with said "Way to step-up good job." at the end of the day. And she is right, I was living in a state of fear. That is no place to live or work or anything. I lost my doubt. I am humble enough to know that I will study my whole life and not know everything I need to about being a good nurse. But I also know myself and nursing is as instinctual to me as being a mother. When I signed up for nursing school I put on my application form under "why do you want to be a nurse?", I am a good mother and I am good at learning. I look back on that and I think that I am blessed with the knowledge that of the two things I am good at everyday, being a mother and being a nurse.

Sometimes I think we all have moments of reflection where we doubt ourselves. I have wondered why we should when we have a good base of support and love around us to keep us moving in a good direction. But what about those who don't have support and love? How do they survive the day and not doubt? It's a personality characteristic in some to be strong and move ahead without the help of those around them. However for me that is not the case. I need daily doses of hugs and words of affirmation from my loved ones. I think it is because I need to know that my "emotional tank" needs my loved ones to support me as much as I support them. Right now with life as crazy and chaotic as it is those daily reminders of why we get up and why we keep going forward are very important.

So my life lesson today was do not doubt. I read a great book a few months ago and it was a very enlightening read. It's called The Shack, and I highly recommend it to anyone who is needing to understand their spiritual relationship with God. I realize that God does not speak in words the way we want Him to. He speaks in other ways. He speaks in a child's smile or a warm hug or a kind word. It's not just when I think about God that I find these words or moments of encouragement I find them in everyone. You just have to look, and in some you have to look really hard. That may be part of the lesson, you have to "Knock" and He will answer.

For those of my friends who are not based in the Christian teachings, I want to say that God is not just a Christian concept. You too know moments of love and peace and encouragement because God is not just a one dogma concept. The higher power of the universe and our souls call it what you want but at the end of the day it means the same. Something greater than ourselves supporting us through our journey here on earth. We should all take comfort in that and look for those little communications that we are on the right path in our lives.

Determination is a Climb

My life lesson today is determination. What makes you want to be a better person? What makes you want to work harder and be the best you can be? What is that deciding factor in your daily life moments that says to you personally, "Go for it!"? Is there something more than just a moment or is it a determination that you wake up one morning and decide to be better, fuller, more than you are?

Today I woke up late. I was rushed and a little tired, but good after a cup of a very nice Moose coffee. A simple word of encouragement led me to further my day by completing long over due tasks. But this was not my moment. This was just my start to another day. My moment came later. Before I begin about that let me rather spend the majority of this blog on my inspiration.

I am writing a book. I have been for four years. It's not a great American Epic or a Gothic Novel the likes of Mary Shelly's Frankenstein, it's more a review of a lifetime of lessons and a process to become a better person. My inspiration for the book came from a deep sadness inside of me that sat on my heart and made it pulse with a life of it's own. I was determined to eradicate this sadness. The only way to do that was to write it down. And that is what happened. I eradicated the sadness by letting it go.

Sometimes letting go is the hardest thing you do. It can be an easy thing to hold unto saddness, but it is the most harmful thing. We must let it go so the happiness can flow in. Life is full of good and bad and you have to find the good because to live any other way is to begin each day with defeat.

Daily life though, my inspirations are different. I have apple juice kisses from sweet little faces and excellent grades to post on the refrigerator, and wonderful craft projects to show off to anyone who will look. I have silly pictures with wide grins, mud pies and curved baseball throws. I have deep discussions about Democrat verses Republican and Young Democrat group theories from a teenage point of view. I have little moments of sleepy downy sheet smelling faces getting ready for Mass. I have little bows in pig-tails and juice box winner car races on the carpet. I have skinned knees and new books read to me. I have stories to tell and prayers to say and promises to keep. I have breath and little breaths of happiness and excitement. I have jumping little feet and running little feet and dancing big feet. I have love.

So as far as inspiration goes I have a lot. I also have a deep seated notion that someone is watching out for me. I also have friends who care and are willing to support and offer a helping hand. I have those shoulders to cry on and laugh with. All in all I am a very lucky girl.

But life is not always optimistic. We have sacrifices and painstaking battles to win. We have mountains to climb and trenches to forage. But what I do have is courage. I never believed it before but my oldest said something to me the other day which made me realise how much courage I really have. She said "Mom, after everything I can always count on you. You are amazing. Sometimes I don't know what you are going to do, but you always manage and you get it done. You keep your promises and you well, you know, you follow through, even when it's hard for you and it makes you cry. You do it because it's the right thing to do. And that's why I am proud to call you my Mom and I am proud of you. I respect you. " Coming from a teenager, I did what any mother would do. I cried.

Like that song my children listen to by Miley Cyrus. "There is always gonna be another mountain, I am always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be an uphill battle, sometimes I am going to have to lose. Doesn't matter how fast I get there, doesn't matter what 's on the other side, It's the climb..." It is so true, you just have to keep going on. You have to keep moving on. You have to keep strong. You have to pick yourself up when everything looks hopeless and keep your head up and work through it. You have to climb and climb well.

So that is my life lesson today. I have to keep climbing well. Not just climbing. Not just moving forward, but moving forward well as a better person. Each day is a day to make the world better. Each day is an opportunity to face something hard and overcome it. Each day is a new beginning to show love and be loved in return. Each day is another day to keep getting stronger in your faith.

How we do that, I have an idea. I think we stay based in our faith, lean on our friends and family when we need to and keep doing random acts of kindness daily. When I die I want everyone left behind to say, "She did her best and I am better for it. " Nothing else is important. I want everyone in my life to know how much they mean to me. I want even the homeless man I pass on the street to know that the lady who stopped and gave him a smile and a dollar loved him for being a child of God and a person in his own right. I want to be remembered as the woman who loved the world and tried to make it better.

In my own personal struggles I recognize my weaknesses. I realise my failings. I am striving to be better. I am striving to get better at not making those same mistakes. But most importantly I am determined to be better for those around me. I am determined to love better and stronger. I am determined to be stronger and more balanced in my faith. I am determined to be an excellent mother and friend. I am determined to be a better nurse. I am determined to be a better woman, because my family and my children deserve nothing less.

Funny How Those Little Things Keep Popping Up

My life lesson today was failure. Not in my work or my ability to be good at what I do, but in my ability to believe in myself. It's funny when you receive criticism whether it be productive or counter productive-- that you lose the ability to function for a little while as you try to process the information and reply to it and try harder or do better. Time is not my best friend right now. When I try to be better, do better, hold tighter, I seem to come up short.

As hard as I try to see the positive, today is a negative day. Yes nothing horrible happened and yes nothing tragic happened, but still a few words from a mentor of sorts, dropped me down to a low.

So perhaps I need to step it up a bit to put it in teenage voice, or perhaps I need to focus harder. I am not sure at this pint but the failure I see in today is the failure that I did not stand up for myself a little more and protect my feelings a lot more.

Tomorrow is another day and so I go to sleep and wake up hoping for a better day with new and wonderful inspirations.

The Possibility of Love

Today's blog will perhaps cover a lot of those loose ends in my brain, the one's that come when you have time to think and ponder and reflect on what has happened in your life or the catalyst of the day's past events that make you become more ponderous. WOW! I am in it today! So this weekend was a wonderful weekend and a sad one too. We had so many good things happen, but we also had a few meltdowns too. By we I mean my children and me.



Divorce is a nasty creature. However, the worst is being so helpless and just having to follow what the adults decide and not being able to protect or make your demands known as children sometimes feel. My children and I are doing a program called "The Five Love Languages of Children". I took the time to read the book and do the questionnaires with each child and develop their love language style. What is the emotional need of each child and how do you meet that on a regular basis? My oldest her needs turned out to be words of affirmation and quality time doing projects and playing games. My middle child her needs turned out to be words of affirmation and little gifts. My youngest child his needs turned out to be words of affirmation and quality time. I have been consistent in my parenting by holding firm to the belief that when I have to use discipline I say three positives for every negative. All three of my children stated in our first few family sessions on love language that they like that Mommy says good things to them every day and follows it with a hug a kiss and a I love you. Each one of my children also stated that they like that I do crafts, baking, play games and spend quality time with them. So meeting their emotional needs is not difficult for me because we do it already.

However, with the nasty creature of divorce in our lives they are not always with me and sometimes when they do return to me their "emotional tank" is totally empty and needs to be refilled. So it takes a bit of attention and positive affirmation, but then they are back to happy playing and wonderful little children. I don't have too many difficulties with them not being well behaved. We have a very deep loving relationship where they know they are safe and loved and can be just what they are...children. I have found that with love discipline is easier. Hug therapy works better than anything I have ever known. We don't say negative words in our home, like "shut-up", "I hate you", or anything like that. We say please be quiet, I don't like...., and "not now I need my quiet time". We made a contract with rules that we as a family would follow. We made one every summer and used it to understand that we are a family that cares about the other members and that we don't need anger and negativity to get in the way.



We certainly have our moments. There are still disagreements and skirmishes, and sometimes feelings are hurt, but how we deal with it is not through anger. We deal with it by talking about it and discussing what we can do better next time to avoid the situation. With rules and boundaries set as well. So telling someone to take out the garbage or help with clean up of toys is not a fight, but a thing done so we can have more play time.



Now onto our weekend. We had a crafty love filled day with baking and Valentine's from morning until night. We talked about what makes us a happy family and what makes us love each other. We made Valentine's for each other and did crafts too. We spent all of Saturday discovering the good and wonderful aspects of each other. In a family our size that is needed. We need to reconnect on a regular basis and keep the lines of communication open so we don't get regretful or hurtful. With children and siblings that is easy to do. If one gets more than the other or if one gets more privilege than that of the other without due cause, then resentments build. I try my hardest to eliminate that possibility and by doing so we have more peaceful days. More importantly we play. We play dress up or ball or something. Quality time over quantity time.



I have no idea what our future is going to bring. I just know that we love each other beyond measure and I am looking forward to every milestone we have together. I just make sure they know each and everyday how wonderful they are and how much they mean to me.

Meeting The Need

I was talking to my step-mother a while back and she said something to me that has stayed with me. She said, "I never could figure out how you got it all done. You had homework and chores and you babysat the children, and yet you managed to make it all look so easy, and you were only fourteen. I marvelled over that for years." She went on to describe what life had been like back then when I was a teenager. My father, God rest him, passed two years ago and it is a hole in her heart that just won't heal. Sometimes we like to talk about him and remember him. However this day she was remembering me.

Growing up for my teen years in Upper State New York was an experience I will always remember. I learned so much in those few years. My father (Yit) and step-mother (Mut) had foster children and adopted most of them, so we always had a house full. I learned how to cook large amounts of food at one time, keep a home clean and ready for daily use, and most importantly I learned how to care for children. I learned the basics first, like changing diapers, burping, feeding, potty training, but the greatest thing I learned was how to connect with children. How to find what makes them happy at the emotional need rather than just the physical. I owe Mut and Yit a great deal for that. I learned the importance of laughter and love and play time and quality time. In essence I learned how to meet the need.

My siblings are almost all grown now, and I think back to how easy it was to get home from high school do homework, then help with dinner and dishes, do family quality time and get ready for the next day. On weekends Mut and Yit had a catering business and we had to all get up at sometimes four in the morning to help cut vegetables, make banana pudding, make cakes, or whatever was on the menu for that event. Each child had a job and no job was less important than that of the other. We were a unit and as such we worked together. This sense of responsibility and belonging has carried me well through the years. When I feel over whelmed I know to just start at one and work my way through until I am done and the task is finished. Sometimes however, I forget to meet my need when I am doing so much to meet other's needs.

How do you say, time out? How do you stop when everything and everyone is counting on you?
It is rather easy. You take a deep breath, count to ten, say a quick prayer, and then multitask until the job is finished and you can relax and meet your need. A quick hug, an act of kindness, a drink in some cases are the need and it is imperative that you take that time, even if it is only ten minutes and meditate on yourself so burnout does not happen.

My life is stressful, but it is good. I have friends and I have family to help when I can't carry the load. But the most important thing is that I have a frame of reference from childhood that helps me to understand the importance of meeting the need. When I relate that to the people I love, I look closely at what they are not telling me verses what they are telling me. In the children I know that hug and love therapy works best and that a positive statement out of the blue is the greatest picker upper ever.

So my challenge to those who read this today, is to find your need and meet it. Then make sure you look and listen closely to the ones you love and meet a need for them today. It could be a hug, a quick lunch, or just a phone call. I guarantee you will feel the better for it.

Challenge

Nothing like a good challenge to get the blood going. Even if you are scared beyond belief the only thing to do is to get it started to get it done. Challenge is the be all end all of your life. How you meet those challenges is the way to the building of a better you. so today I was challenged, over and over, and I like to think I made those challenges and I accepted them and moved forward. It's a good day when you can meet them head on even through your fear. I was terrified, but I did it. And I may cry over it later, but I made it.

So I get to relax a bit, do more studies and then well I get to wake up tomorrow morning and say, Challenge me!

Disappointment and Adulthood

Disappointment seems to rear it's insidious little head when you think things are going on a good path. Today was a good day. Sure not a perfect day, but a good day none the less. Sometimes things just happen for a reason and sometimes things just happen. I think back to what I have learned as I have grown up and I realise that perhaps I did not start getting intelligent until I was thirty or so. Now that was only four years ago, however I have come to realise that I was rather dumb in my twenties. I liked to think that I knew everything, and I like to think that I had all the answers, but it was quite an epiphany when I woke up one morning and knew for a fact that my learning curve was a bit scewed.

It's not important the events or the reasons behind the events that lead me to this new knowledge, but it is important to know that I realised everyday is a day for an opportunity to learn something new and grow as a person. Funny how when you close yourself off to other's opinions and knowledge base, you close yourself off completely.

I can't say that I am happy with all the circumstances in my life right now, but I can say that I have learned more than I ever would have if I had stayed stagnant and oblivious. However, even knowing that life has its curves and turns does not make the bitterness of regret any easier to bear. Some regrets are taken softly and slowly and you heal from them. Some regrets on the other hand are much harder to swallow and follow you around no matter where you are or who you are with.

So today, I was disappointed. I was hurt and I was upset, but I was also enlightened. I saw a family today with the strength to let go in love, and I saw a family today pull together and put aside their differences to celebrate a very special little girl. Two separate families two separate occasions, but two very special blessings. So I think perhaps my disappointments are just that a little lump in the road. I could use a shoulder to cry on today, but instead I am writing a blog and then going to put together a research paper. I am doing that because I refuse to be disappointed in myself and have more regret. I have a set of goals that need accomplishing and the only way I am going to do that is if I work hard, study hard, and remember the important things.

Sometimes when you are at your worst you discover your best. My best seems to be over coming the lies and heartache others wish to put upon my heart. Forgiveness is the major factor in letting go of disappointment. After all disappointment is an unmet need or unmet expectation. I find that if I only have expectations in myself then I am rarely disappointed. I also find that being so untrusting of others is a very lonely place to be. So I put my heart out there and I realise that these days do happen. I would rather these bad things come so I don't miss even one of the little happy moments and thusly I remove the disapointment from my life.

Expectations

I am a nervous test taker. Are you a nervous test taker? I shake in my seat until the pencil gets to the paper and then the questions take me over. Sometimes I think about it, rethink about a question, and then rethink about the question until I am so confused in my own brain that I have trouble remembering what the question was originally asking. However, when someone asks me a direct question, I have the ability to close my eyes and see the text book or reference or file card in front of me and I can repeat that information verbatim. Weird.

Brings me to the topic of today. Nervous! I am starting a new job. I have experience. I am actually very knowledgeable about my profession. However, after sitting through a week of New Nurse Orientation, I realized that the standards and level of excellence that is expected of me in my new job is so far above that of my old one, I feel like a novice. I am more than excited about my position. Ecstatic, elated, over joyed, proud all of those are a close to what I feel inside. I have the opportunity to advance in my career and my knowledge base. I have dreamt about a position like this one and I thank God for it. So why am I so nervous?

Like I tell my children anything new can cause weird feelings and a bit of stress. Even though it is a good thing a positive move up, you can still feel stress. For my six year old I ask him about his tummy. For my nine year old I have to tell her to sit still and for my lovable teenager I have to remind her to be quiet as she has talked for over an hour non-stop. For me it's the doubt. Am I good enough?

So I am sitting now after taking a few exams, and I know I did not do the greatest job. I was way to nervous to think straight. I wanted to be brilliant and impress, but more importantly I wanted to understand and learn from what I was doing. So I admitted that I was nervous. I stated my reservations and I did the best I could. And I am happy about it.

I have gone from an environment of watching your back and keeping your patient stable as best as you can until the hospital resources open again at 7am. Now I am in an environment of support and resources 24/7 as well as an environment of education and learning. So I am going to enjoy my new job and learn everything I can so I can be a better nurse and a better person. I am so grateful that I have this opportunity and I don't intend on wasting it. I also know that I am harder on myself than anyone else will ever be. That is my lesson in life to learn I think.

the Hard Questions

It's a very good morning when you wake up. Someone told me that once and I never gave it a thought because yes we wake up every morning, but sometimes we don't do we? This blog is not about death or anything that sad, however it is about being grateful that we wake up and we have blessings all around us even when we think we don't.

This morning I was very excited to wake up for some reason. I am the grouchy morning person you do not talk to until I have had at least one cup of coffee if not two. However this morning was different. I got up, woke up the children with the "Raise and shine and give God the glory..." song and tons of kisses. My oldest daughter was having none of my cheerfulness. She was quite annoyed actually.
"Mom, stop it I am so too old for that! Save it for the babies..."blah blah blah in her usual teenage language. My niece on the other hand giggled and sat up and eagerly went to the kitchen table for a bowl of cereal.

We all got dressed and headed out to Mass. Now dragging a revolutionary questioning teenager to Mass is quite a challenge especially when each question is very difficult to answer. Her questions lately consist of "Why does God allow bad things to happen?" or "What has God done for me?" or "Why should we believe in God when he doesn't care about all the suffering we go through here on earth?" These questions always make me pause and sometimes I don't have a good answer. Sometimes I want to think the same thing. Then sometimes I want to have a crisis of faith and give up on God too.

However, today at Mass, the homily was such a good one, and so needed on a day when I did not have good answers. Father Michael made some very good strong points. The homily was about standing up for those who can not stand for themselves, being grateful for what you have and knowing how to share what you have with love to those who don't have as much. My daughter sat next to me and held my hand and listened. She really listened. She did not fall asleep which I was very grateful for. Later in the car after Mass was over, I asked the children what they thought about the Homily and what it meant to them. My lovely niece said that we should be nice to each other and help those who need it. My revolutionary teenager said, "Mom, it means that no matter what we do, even the little things matter. We do the right thing because we are supposed to. And we help those who don't have food and stuff because we are supposed to because that is how we show God's love." I smiled and said that's right. So then I was able to answer one of those hard questions. "What has God done for me?" I looked right at her and said God gave me you and he gave you me. I show you love and faith and the right thing to do because God lives in me and our love shines through because of Him.

It was a good moment because she understood and she said "Well thank God for that, cause you are the best Mommy ever."

When I get a Mommy instead of a Mom or Mother, then it's a good day and we have connected. So I think that perhaps I am not doing such a bad job as a parent. Even though I drag her to CCD classes and I drag her to Mass and I drag her to volunteer events, she gets it. At least today she gets it and maybe someday when she has children of her own she will understand more fully and do the same.

So I am grateful I woke up cheerful today. I am grateful that we made it to Mass today. If we had missed it, then perhaps we would have missed that special moment together. So I say to God today, Thank you for giving me the opportunity to show your love through me to my daughter when she needed it most.

The Better Person

Being the bigger better person sometimes has consequences. When you wait around for the world to change you find yourself waiting a very very long time. It's amazing how many of us sit in silence and just wait. Then in a moment of clarity we jump up and decide to do something about it. Something that will help, not hinder our process of growth and development as well as support those around us in a positive manner.
I often look around me at the needs in my community and it never fails to amaze me how many people are willing to help, but don't know how. When I am asked' "What can I do?", I always answer it starts with the whole philosophy of pay it forward. Remember that movie? Well the concept has been around for a long time. It's called karma. Give and receive. What do you receive besides the peace of mind that you helped someone in need? You receive a deeper understanding of how every action you make affects the world around you. One act of kindness can snowball into an avalanche of good deeds.
So my challenge to everyone who reads this is to go out and do an act of random kindness and note how much better you feel inside. And then sit back and be amazed at how good things come back to you.