Today I found Dorie again. It's strange how she seemed to disappear for a little bit. Not that Dorie has this way of leaving the planet or anything weird like that, but she falls into a passive pattern that makes it seem as if she is hiding somewhere. I started my day as I always do, but when I woke this morning even good coffee could not erase the funk that had taken over the morning.
Mornings are not my strong suit. In fact it would be a rather fair assumption to say that I am one of the worst morning people in the world. If I really wanted to sacrifice for Lent I would have said "Okay Lord, I will be cheerful in the mornings." Instead I gave up all junk foods, ice cream, chips, chocolate...you get the idea.
As I drove off to work my mind was on mediocre things, nothing palatable at all really, just whatever a person who is not nearly awake enough is going to do for the next twelve hours. The ride to work is not always this boring but today it was and I was not prepared to get to work so quickly. I walked into the hospital and up the stairs to my area and felt a bit of a intensity in the air. The excitement started to wake me up almost instantly. It's instinctual I think in Critical Care nurses, when you feel the energy in the air and you know something is going to happen and happen soon you get ready, you perk up as if on high alert.
I went to the break room, finished my coffee while we decided assignments and then it was report time. I went out to get report and then it happened. I got caught in the energy, I got caught in the happening. As the situation went from unstable to more unstable I had a one second moment of doubt. With everything going on in my life, I had that moment of can I do this? And then the Holy Spirit took over me, not in a crazy metaphysical way or some crazy rush of spiritual enlightenment, I just had a warm feeling inside of me like a soft whisper of encouragement and I jumped into action.
The choices at that point I made from my knowledge and my experience and my education. When I did not know or needed help I called for it. The team work was amazing, anyone near came to my aid when I needed it and we did what had to be done and kept going. We worked together and worked hard. I went to the bathroom for the first time at noon.
Which brings me around full circle. I had lost that confidence in myself and was going through the motions asking for advice instead of listening to my instinct and using my knowledge base. A nurse I work with said "Way to step-up good job." at the end of the day. And she is right, I was living in a state of fear. That is no place to live or work or anything. I lost my doubt. I am humble enough to know that I will study my whole life and not know everything I need to about being a good nurse. But I also know myself and nursing is as instinctual to me as being a mother. When I signed up for nursing school I put on my application form under "why do you want to be a nurse?", I am a good mother and I am good at learning. I look back on that and I think that I am blessed with the knowledge that of the two things I am good at everyday, being a mother and being a nurse.
Sometimes I think we all have moments of reflection where we doubt ourselves. I have wondered why we should when we have a good base of support and love around us to keep us moving in a good direction. But what about those who don't have support and love? How do they survive the day and not doubt? It's a personality characteristic in some to be strong and move ahead without the help of those around them. However for me that is not the case. I need daily doses of hugs and words of affirmation from my loved ones. I think it is because I need to know that my "emotional tank" needs my loved ones to support me as much as I support them. Right now with life as crazy and chaotic as it is those daily reminders of why we get up and why we keep going forward are very important.
So my life lesson today was do not doubt. I read a great book a few months ago and it was a very enlightening read. It's called The Shack, and I highly recommend it to anyone who is needing to understand their spiritual relationship with God. I realize that God does not speak in words the way we want Him to. He speaks in other ways. He speaks in a child's smile or a warm hug or a kind word. It's not just when I think about God that I find these words or moments of encouragement I find them in everyone. You just have to look, and in some you have to look really hard. That may be part of the lesson, you have to "Knock" and He will answer.
For those of my friends who are not based in the Christian teachings, I want to say that God is not just a Christian concept. You too know moments of love and peace and encouragement because God is not just a one dogma concept. The higher power of the universe and our souls call it what you want but at the end of the day it means the same. Something greater than ourselves supporting us through our journey here on earth. We should all take comfort in that and look for those little communications that we are on the right path in our lives.
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I too am very much not a morning person, I never really have been. Although some mornings do call to me, and I actually feel the pull to get up and get outside and get things done while the sun is fresh and shining, it doesnt happen very often, but its wonderful when it does.
ReplyDeleteWe all have our doubtful moments its what makes us human, when we realize them, and acknowledge them, that's when we become stronger. I guess it takes a while for us to figure out where we are heading and some days it feels like we lost it, but those are far and fewer as we get older, its nice...glad to see you doing so awesome.