Fear Itself

In Mass on Sunday, we discussed sin. Or rather we listened while the homily was about sin and how it affects us. I thought hard about what was said to us. I really pondered what I think of as right and wrong. I wondered about the grey area that sometimes clouds our judgement. Truly the hardest thing to do is look in the mirror and say, "You are doing wrong. You must do better."

On the reverse of that I remembered a few other little quips from previous homilies. When we are on the right path and we are doing what is right and what must be done, we are tempted the worst. What makes you stray from your dedication but the sweetest temptation? And how sweet it is when we fall and give in? Right?

So I am sitting here seriously pensive thinking of all the wrongs I committed in my life and all the "I'm sorry's" I have said and I am thinking that perhaps being so hard on myself is not going to make me feel better or be less pensive, but it will steer me in the right direction of not making those mistakes again and never having to apologize for doing the same wrong thing. That I suppose is growth and maturity.

I wonder in my daily life about the black and white and the grey. As we grow and mature we find so many areas in our lives and our virtues that we can shade grey and try to maneuver out of doing the right thing. However at the end of the day and thus the end of our life we have to atone for those grey areas. It reminds me of a movie from the 80's called Defending Your Life. What will I say when I have to defend my position to God in the final moments of my soul? I want to be able to say "Yes Lord I made mistakes but I lived my life by the goodness and grace of the examples you sent to us." That should not be so hard, I think, perhaps I am wrong.

Looking over the daily headlines it seems I am wrong. Where has all the goodness in the world gone? Where has our God gone? What do we need in this age to rediscover the goodness inside of us and around us?

God is still with us. I know it, I feel it. The goodness we once prided ourselves on is still evident in the world, but daily it gets harder and harder to find as we obsess over the evil and wrong doing.

Tomorrow is a big day for me and my tender family and we need as many prayers of support as we can get. We are looking for a miracle and a good turn around. tomorrow is just the stepping stone to a new and difficult adventure for us, but we are going to withstand it together. I am hopeful and I am afraid of the journey.

So my lesson today is fear. My greatest downfall has always been pride, but today it is fear. I am afraid that the bad and the wrong will over take the goodness I know is there in the world. I fear that humanity is going to such lengths towards misery that we have lost sight of the joy.

My heart is heavy tonight.