Flightless bird

It's been a while since I have been able to update my blog and I have missed my thoughts flowing so effortlessly onto my computer screen. I find comfort in the small things lately. Life has been super stressful and very very mind boggling. So many good things have happened and so many no so good things as well.

It's so true when you imagine your life through that childhood mirror of what will happen and how great it will be when you are an adult. Then the reality hits and adulthood takes you and throws you to the wolves of reality.

Sometimes life can be crushing and other times life can be just blessings. So you take the blessings and hope for a better tomorrow. Well it is tomorrow and I see only bright futures ahead. That does not mean that I am not worried about how the future will fall, it just means that I am less afraid of the future being horrid.

The babies are such a blessing. Even though each one rebels against me calling them babies, it still is a blessing everyday to wake up to the sweet meanderings of children. Some days I could do without the teenage angst and the squabbles but most days I am happy to just be able to see them and smile.

We have fought and today we have won a small victory towards the future, but we are not done fighting yet. The angst for me is that no matter what I just want them happy. My happiness does not matter as long as they, my beautiful babies grow up to be the beautiful amazing people that I know they are.

Sometimes the loneliness surrounds me and I feel at odds with the strictures placed upon me, but as the adult it is my duty to rise above and hope for a better day. I can see the better day coming but it does seem so far away. I do falter in my prayers sometimes when I face my cold lonely bed, and I think God please.... but then I remember that I am not the important issue here, they are.

The house is quiet now. Only the ocean machine is making noise. I am awake and alone and pondering a good day. We had a wonderful time at the field trip. We went to the Metamora court house and other parts of old Metamora and learned many wonderful things. Adia was so happy all day. She smiled and laughed and refused to leave my side.

So my lesson is patience, perhaps someday soon my dreams and hopes will be fulfilled but until that time I am focused on making all of their dreams come true. And come hell or high water, I will make it so.

I think I will sleep on the couch tonight. In fact I will. My bed is too big and too lonely to sleep in.

Until then, I remain here waiting and hoping and praying...


My music tonight...

Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine

I was a quick, wet boy
Diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes
Wide on my plastic toys
Then when the cops closed the fairI cut my long, baby hair
And stole me a dog-eared map
And called for you everywhere
Have I found youFlightless bird, jealous, weeping
Or lost you, American mouth
Big pill looming
Now I'm a fat house cat
Nursing my sore, blunt tongue
Watching the warm, poison rats
Curl through the wide fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures
Thrown in the cold and clean
Blood of Christ mountain stream
Have a found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding
Or lost you, American mouth
Big pill stuck going down