One of those Moments Again

Today I found Dorie again. It's strange how she seemed to disappear for a little bit. Not that Dorie has this way of leaving the planet or anything weird like that, but she falls into a passive pattern that makes it seem as if she is hiding somewhere. I started my day as I always do, but when I woke this morning even good coffee could not erase the funk that had taken over the morning.

Mornings are not my strong suit. In fact it would be a rather fair assumption to say that I am one of the worst morning people in the world. If I really wanted to sacrifice for Lent I would have said "Okay Lord, I will be cheerful in the mornings." Instead I gave up all junk foods, ice cream, chips, chocolate...you get the idea.

As I drove off to work my mind was on mediocre things, nothing palatable at all really, just whatever a person who is not nearly awake enough is going to do for the next twelve hours. The ride to work is not always this boring but today it was and I was not prepared to get to work so quickly. I walked into the hospital and up the stairs to my area and felt a bit of a intensity in the air. The excitement started to wake me up almost instantly. It's instinctual I think in Critical Care nurses, when you feel the energy in the air and you know something is going to happen and happen soon you get ready, you perk up as if on high alert.

I went to the break room, finished my coffee while we decided assignments and then it was report time. I went out to get report and then it happened. I got caught in the energy, I got caught in the happening. As the situation went from unstable to more unstable I had a one second moment of doubt. With everything going on in my life, I had that moment of can I do this? And then the Holy Spirit took over me, not in a crazy metaphysical way or some crazy rush of spiritual enlightenment, I just had a warm feeling inside of me like a soft whisper of encouragement and I jumped into action.

The choices at that point I made from my knowledge and my experience and my education. When I did not know or needed help I called for it. The team work was amazing, anyone near came to my aid when I needed it and we did what had to be done and kept going. We worked together and worked hard. I went to the bathroom for the first time at noon.

Which brings me around full circle. I had lost that confidence in myself and was going through the motions asking for advice instead of listening to my instinct and using my knowledge base. A nurse I work with said "Way to step-up good job." at the end of the day. And she is right, I was living in a state of fear. That is no place to live or work or anything. I lost my doubt. I am humble enough to know that I will study my whole life and not know everything I need to about being a good nurse. But I also know myself and nursing is as instinctual to me as being a mother. When I signed up for nursing school I put on my application form under "why do you want to be a nurse?", I am a good mother and I am good at learning. I look back on that and I think that I am blessed with the knowledge that of the two things I am good at everyday, being a mother and being a nurse.

Sometimes I think we all have moments of reflection where we doubt ourselves. I have wondered why we should when we have a good base of support and love around us to keep us moving in a good direction. But what about those who don't have support and love? How do they survive the day and not doubt? It's a personality characteristic in some to be strong and move ahead without the help of those around them. However for me that is not the case. I need daily doses of hugs and words of affirmation from my loved ones. I think it is because I need to know that my "emotional tank" needs my loved ones to support me as much as I support them. Right now with life as crazy and chaotic as it is those daily reminders of why we get up and why we keep going forward are very important.

So my life lesson today was do not doubt. I read a great book a few months ago and it was a very enlightening read. It's called The Shack, and I highly recommend it to anyone who is needing to understand their spiritual relationship with God. I realize that God does not speak in words the way we want Him to. He speaks in other ways. He speaks in a child's smile or a warm hug or a kind word. It's not just when I think about God that I find these words or moments of encouragement I find them in everyone. You just have to look, and in some you have to look really hard. That may be part of the lesson, you have to "Knock" and He will answer.

For those of my friends who are not based in the Christian teachings, I want to say that God is not just a Christian concept. You too know moments of love and peace and encouragement because God is not just a one dogma concept. The higher power of the universe and our souls call it what you want but at the end of the day it means the same. Something greater than ourselves supporting us through our journey here on earth. We should all take comfort in that and look for those little communications that we are on the right path in our lives.

Determination is a Climb

My life lesson today is determination. What makes you want to be a better person? What makes you want to work harder and be the best you can be? What is that deciding factor in your daily life moments that says to you personally, "Go for it!"? Is there something more than just a moment or is it a determination that you wake up one morning and decide to be better, fuller, more than you are?

Today I woke up late. I was rushed and a little tired, but good after a cup of a very nice Moose coffee. A simple word of encouragement led me to further my day by completing long over due tasks. But this was not my moment. This was just my start to another day. My moment came later. Before I begin about that let me rather spend the majority of this blog on my inspiration.

I am writing a book. I have been for four years. It's not a great American Epic or a Gothic Novel the likes of Mary Shelly's Frankenstein, it's more a review of a lifetime of lessons and a process to become a better person. My inspiration for the book came from a deep sadness inside of me that sat on my heart and made it pulse with a life of it's own. I was determined to eradicate this sadness. The only way to do that was to write it down. And that is what happened. I eradicated the sadness by letting it go.

Sometimes letting go is the hardest thing you do. It can be an easy thing to hold unto saddness, but it is the most harmful thing. We must let it go so the happiness can flow in. Life is full of good and bad and you have to find the good because to live any other way is to begin each day with defeat.

Daily life though, my inspirations are different. I have apple juice kisses from sweet little faces and excellent grades to post on the refrigerator, and wonderful craft projects to show off to anyone who will look. I have silly pictures with wide grins, mud pies and curved baseball throws. I have deep discussions about Democrat verses Republican and Young Democrat group theories from a teenage point of view. I have little moments of sleepy downy sheet smelling faces getting ready for Mass. I have little bows in pig-tails and juice box winner car races on the carpet. I have skinned knees and new books read to me. I have stories to tell and prayers to say and promises to keep. I have breath and little breaths of happiness and excitement. I have jumping little feet and running little feet and dancing big feet. I have love.

So as far as inspiration goes I have a lot. I also have a deep seated notion that someone is watching out for me. I also have friends who care and are willing to support and offer a helping hand. I have those shoulders to cry on and laugh with. All in all I am a very lucky girl.

But life is not always optimistic. We have sacrifices and painstaking battles to win. We have mountains to climb and trenches to forage. But what I do have is courage. I never believed it before but my oldest said something to me the other day which made me realise how much courage I really have. She said "Mom, after everything I can always count on you. You are amazing. Sometimes I don't know what you are going to do, but you always manage and you get it done. You keep your promises and you well, you know, you follow through, even when it's hard for you and it makes you cry. You do it because it's the right thing to do. And that's why I am proud to call you my Mom and I am proud of you. I respect you. " Coming from a teenager, I did what any mother would do. I cried.

Like that song my children listen to by Miley Cyrus. "There is always gonna be another mountain, I am always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be an uphill battle, sometimes I am going to have to lose. Doesn't matter how fast I get there, doesn't matter what 's on the other side, It's the climb..." It is so true, you just have to keep going on. You have to keep moving on. You have to keep strong. You have to pick yourself up when everything looks hopeless and keep your head up and work through it. You have to climb and climb well.

So that is my life lesson today. I have to keep climbing well. Not just climbing. Not just moving forward, but moving forward well as a better person. Each day is a day to make the world better. Each day is an opportunity to face something hard and overcome it. Each day is a new beginning to show love and be loved in return. Each day is another day to keep getting stronger in your faith.

How we do that, I have an idea. I think we stay based in our faith, lean on our friends and family when we need to and keep doing random acts of kindness daily. When I die I want everyone left behind to say, "She did her best and I am better for it. " Nothing else is important. I want everyone in my life to know how much they mean to me. I want even the homeless man I pass on the street to know that the lady who stopped and gave him a smile and a dollar loved him for being a child of God and a person in his own right. I want to be remembered as the woman who loved the world and tried to make it better.

In my own personal struggles I recognize my weaknesses. I realise my failings. I am striving to be better. I am striving to get better at not making those same mistakes. But most importantly I am determined to be better for those around me. I am determined to love better and stronger. I am determined to be stronger and more balanced in my faith. I am determined to be an excellent mother and friend. I am determined to be a better nurse. I am determined to be a better woman, because my family and my children deserve nothing less.

Funny How Those Little Things Keep Popping Up

My life lesson today was failure. Not in my work or my ability to be good at what I do, but in my ability to believe in myself. It's funny when you receive criticism whether it be productive or counter productive-- that you lose the ability to function for a little while as you try to process the information and reply to it and try harder or do better. Time is not my best friend right now. When I try to be better, do better, hold tighter, I seem to come up short.

As hard as I try to see the positive, today is a negative day. Yes nothing horrible happened and yes nothing tragic happened, but still a few words from a mentor of sorts, dropped me down to a low.

So perhaps I need to step it up a bit to put it in teenage voice, or perhaps I need to focus harder. I am not sure at this pint but the failure I see in today is the failure that I did not stand up for myself a little more and protect my feelings a lot more.

Tomorrow is another day and so I go to sleep and wake up hoping for a better day with new and wonderful inspirations.

The Possibility of Love

Today's blog will perhaps cover a lot of those loose ends in my brain, the one's that come when you have time to think and ponder and reflect on what has happened in your life or the catalyst of the day's past events that make you become more ponderous. WOW! I am in it today! So this weekend was a wonderful weekend and a sad one too. We had so many good things happen, but we also had a few meltdowns too. By we I mean my children and me.



Divorce is a nasty creature. However, the worst is being so helpless and just having to follow what the adults decide and not being able to protect or make your demands known as children sometimes feel. My children and I are doing a program called "The Five Love Languages of Children". I took the time to read the book and do the questionnaires with each child and develop their love language style. What is the emotional need of each child and how do you meet that on a regular basis? My oldest her needs turned out to be words of affirmation and quality time doing projects and playing games. My middle child her needs turned out to be words of affirmation and little gifts. My youngest child his needs turned out to be words of affirmation and quality time. I have been consistent in my parenting by holding firm to the belief that when I have to use discipline I say three positives for every negative. All three of my children stated in our first few family sessions on love language that they like that Mommy says good things to them every day and follows it with a hug a kiss and a I love you. Each one of my children also stated that they like that I do crafts, baking, play games and spend quality time with them. So meeting their emotional needs is not difficult for me because we do it already.

However, with the nasty creature of divorce in our lives they are not always with me and sometimes when they do return to me their "emotional tank" is totally empty and needs to be refilled. So it takes a bit of attention and positive affirmation, but then they are back to happy playing and wonderful little children. I don't have too many difficulties with them not being well behaved. We have a very deep loving relationship where they know they are safe and loved and can be just what they are...children. I have found that with love discipline is easier. Hug therapy works better than anything I have ever known. We don't say negative words in our home, like "shut-up", "I hate you", or anything like that. We say please be quiet, I don't like...., and "not now I need my quiet time". We made a contract with rules that we as a family would follow. We made one every summer and used it to understand that we are a family that cares about the other members and that we don't need anger and negativity to get in the way.



We certainly have our moments. There are still disagreements and skirmishes, and sometimes feelings are hurt, but how we deal with it is not through anger. We deal with it by talking about it and discussing what we can do better next time to avoid the situation. With rules and boundaries set as well. So telling someone to take out the garbage or help with clean up of toys is not a fight, but a thing done so we can have more play time.



Now onto our weekend. We had a crafty love filled day with baking and Valentine's from morning until night. We talked about what makes us a happy family and what makes us love each other. We made Valentine's for each other and did crafts too. We spent all of Saturday discovering the good and wonderful aspects of each other. In a family our size that is needed. We need to reconnect on a regular basis and keep the lines of communication open so we don't get regretful or hurtful. With children and siblings that is easy to do. If one gets more than the other or if one gets more privilege than that of the other without due cause, then resentments build. I try my hardest to eliminate that possibility and by doing so we have more peaceful days. More importantly we play. We play dress up or ball or something. Quality time over quantity time.



I have no idea what our future is going to bring. I just know that we love each other beyond measure and I am looking forward to every milestone we have together. I just make sure they know each and everyday how wonderful they are and how much they mean to me.

Meeting The Need

I was talking to my step-mother a while back and she said something to me that has stayed with me. She said, "I never could figure out how you got it all done. You had homework and chores and you babysat the children, and yet you managed to make it all look so easy, and you were only fourteen. I marvelled over that for years." She went on to describe what life had been like back then when I was a teenager. My father, God rest him, passed two years ago and it is a hole in her heart that just won't heal. Sometimes we like to talk about him and remember him. However this day she was remembering me.

Growing up for my teen years in Upper State New York was an experience I will always remember. I learned so much in those few years. My father (Yit) and step-mother (Mut) had foster children and adopted most of them, so we always had a house full. I learned how to cook large amounts of food at one time, keep a home clean and ready for daily use, and most importantly I learned how to care for children. I learned the basics first, like changing diapers, burping, feeding, potty training, but the greatest thing I learned was how to connect with children. How to find what makes them happy at the emotional need rather than just the physical. I owe Mut and Yit a great deal for that. I learned the importance of laughter and love and play time and quality time. In essence I learned how to meet the need.

My siblings are almost all grown now, and I think back to how easy it was to get home from high school do homework, then help with dinner and dishes, do family quality time and get ready for the next day. On weekends Mut and Yit had a catering business and we had to all get up at sometimes four in the morning to help cut vegetables, make banana pudding, make cakes, or whatever was on the menu for that event. Each child had a job and no job was less important than that of the other. We were a unit and as such we worked together. This sense of responsibility and belonging has carried me well through the years. When I feel over whelmed I know to just start at one and work my way through until I am done and the task is finished. Sometimes however, I forget to meet my need when I am doing so much to meet other's needs.

How do you say, time out? How do you stop when everything and everyone is counting on you?
It is rather easy. You take a deep breath, count to ten, say a quick prayer, and then multitask until the job is finished and you can relax and meet your need. A quick hug, an act of kindness, a drink in some cases are the need and it is imperative that you take that time, even if it is only ten minutes and meditate on yourself so burnout does not happen.

My life is stressful, but it is good. I have friends and I have family to help when I can't carry the load. But the most important thing is that I have a frame of reference from childhood that helps me to understand the importance of meeting the need. When I relate that to the people I love, I look closely at what they are not telling me verses what they are telling me. In the children I know that hug and love therapy works best and that a positive statement out of the blue is the greatest picker upper ever.

So my challenge to those who read this today, is to find your need and meet it. Then make sure you look and listen closely to the ones you love and meet a need for them today. It could be a hug, a quick lunch, or just a phone call. I guarantee you will feel the better for it.