The Phone never rings when you want it to...

Today, wow, today was a day. I spent most of the day alone, except for a few hours at Old Chicago with my buddy Christine doing some extra open heart studies and having a few laughs. Everyday, is a new day to discover something about yourself. Today, I felt invincible. Weird. Me...I laugh and I am still chuckling over that one. However, today I learned I have less limits than I imagined. I wanted to get more done, but the scope of what I did get done was amazing.

This morning was a nightmare. No ands or ifs about it. This morning is a morning I could have lived my whole life without. I was faced with the utter destruction of years of work and a definite end to a very promising future. However, persistence, fortitude and a whole lot of paperwork and reasoning got my point across and I prevailed. After that the sky was the limit.

I wonder what I can't do now. I am not weak or frail, well most of the time anyway. I like to have help doing daily things, but you know sometimes there just isn't anyone to help and if you want a project done, well...you do it yourself. Even if you have never done it before or intend to do it the same way again. It's all a learning process I suppose and you are stronger for it. I am sun burnt and a bit sore...scratch that a lot sore, but I need to keep busy to keep my mind off my quiet house. It's dad's five weeks with the children at the beginning of summer this year, and I am kinda not digging the quiet. I called but no one answered so I left a message, again, and I can't sit around moping, waiting for the phone to ring, more like praying for it to ring, willing it to. But it doesn't.

So I mowed the lawn. At noon. In the heat. And I made sun tea. And then I figured I should plant the garden. So I took a shovel and cleared the entire front of the house by hand and planted hydrangeas, violets, inpatients and English ivy. Then I transplanted the kitchen herb garden and started some tomato plants. I looked around and said hummmmm...how do you do mulch? So I went back to wal-mart got some mulch and well I figured it out.

Then I took a shower and went to study with Christine. I thought perhaps after that I would take a nap and then tackle the last of my homework, but a nap didn't work out so well. Now I am transposing my day.

So my life lesson is today no matter what happens I can't sit around moping. I have to do what needs to be done and I can do it. It may not be perfect and it may not be the way the books say to do it, but I have a lovely flower bed now and a fresh mowed yard, and my herbs will flourish. So that is good in itself. I have to study now, so I guess I better stop here. I surprised myself today. I hope everyone who reads this does something to surprise themselves too. It really is an amazing feeling.

What is the day you realized you had the world in your hands?

It's almost three am and I am awake. After a busy day doing all the mommy things that I have to do I should be sleeping. Although, tonight I can't. I have been sleeping like a baby for the past ten days and have had such peace since I made a crucial decision in my life. Tonight however I am awake and I have so many things to talk about, but no one to listen. So I write.

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you want to shout from the rooftops? I am at such a moment, but before I get to that moment we have to consider all the other moments that have led up to it.

I am not good with alone. I have never been good with alone, however I have learned to be alone and have had to try to cope with the daily goings and comings of everyone around me. Six months of alone and constant disappointments. That is fine. That is the way of the world. We do what we must and cope with the rest.

I must say here that I pray everyday. I do. Even if I don't broadcast it and people around me think I am some bohemian misfit, I pray everyday. I ask for forgiveness, I ask for love and I ask for healthy happy children and guidance from the true mother of us all. I humble myself because I need to. Everyday is a reminder that I am in need of help and guidance and as far as I am concerned the Mother Mary is the best celestrial guidance I can ask for. So I do. She may not like my everyday life, but she appreciates that I try my hardest to live within the example she set.

Saying that, I have more to explain and more to expound upon. Tonight as I stay awake, my heart is miles from me. My woman's heart is far from me, but my Mother's heart is right next to me. I can't sleep because I keep peering into bedrooms and looking upon faces that I have memorized year after year. These faces produce in me a feeling of such love as to not be found I think except on the face and heart of every other mother I know. I keep looking for the one sigh or moment that means..."Mommy I need you." But they are sleeping.

Last night I was very needed. I had to chase monsters out of a closet and soothe the fears of a beautiful little boy who watched Monster's Inc, and thought Sully was hiding in the closet. Funny I thought it would be spiderman or Sonic the hedgehog that produced these fears.... Anyway, after chasing monsters, I had to secure the perimeter as I was told and make the safe spot so nothing could slip under the bed too. A radio, a nightlight, a flashlight, and a couple of stuffed animals later, and well I had someone crawl into bed with me anyway to be sung to sleep and then carried later to his own room. It was so super nice to cuddle him up and rock him like I used to do and sing him to sleep and carry him passed out to bed.

Today, wow today. Grocery shopping with children is quite an experience. Any mommy out there knows if you can leave the children at home while grocery shopping you should do it! It scares me how much they can manipulate me into buying food wise. I start with good intentions and give them healthy choices. We shake watermelons and tap apples and look over bananas and oranges, however when it comes to breakfast cereal and frozen treats, I get well I get hosed! I will admit a trip to super Walmart is not good for me. Well financially anyway. Breaks me every time. However at least I remembered the light bulbs!

We also went to the Family Thrift Store today with the mindset of finding baseball gear, shorts, and well old fashioned thermoses. I read an article recently about school lunches, and how healthier lunches start at home with mom. No longer is the lunch a sandwich a fruit snack and a chip and juice box, the lunch is now homemade soups and healthier sandwich wraps and homemade fruit cups. So we found three good thermoses and I am going to make another batch of chicken soup. That and pesto turkey wraps with fresh cut fruit cups will be on the menu Monday. Perhaps not only is it healthier and more filling but will also be a better introduction to expanding the palette. I want my children to eat veggies and fruits and new foods, but geez with all the box stuff and the precessed foods they get sometimes that is hard, but I am willing to try. If they trade at lunch time, well I can't prevent that, but I can introduce them to better choices. Right?

Then we played outside and rode bikes, I mowed part of the lawn and ran out of gas...Silly mommy did not have a gas pan to fill...sigh. After that we made dinner and it was a family affair. We made a huge Mexican feast and after an hour running around in the sun and a long day of shopping, we were hungry, so we munched down some tacos and enchiladas and burritos for the vegetarian, and watched a movie. After movies it was shower time and then reading prayers and bedtime. My Mommy's heart is full. We had a great day, full and exciting and just us. Nice.

You know I was going somewhere completely different with the start of this blog, but I am going to finish it with this. I love my children, I love my woman's heart who will be home soon, and I love the life that is ahead, because today the world is mine and I am happiest in it. No matter where I am, no matter what I do, no matter what happens, I have love and I have my life, my blessings, my beloved. Life is good.

Flightless bird

It's been a while since I have been able to update my blog and I have missed my thoughts flowing so effortlessly onto my computer screen. I find comfort in the small things lately. Life has been super stressful and very very mind boggling. So many good things have happened and so many no so good things as well.

It's so true when you imagine your life through that childhood mirror of what will happen and how great it will be when you are an adult. Then the reality hits and adulthood takes you and throws you to the wolves of reality.

Sometimes life can be crushing and other times life can be just blessings. So you take the blessings and hope for a better tomorrow. Well it is tomorrow and I see only bright futures ahead. That does not mean that I am not worried about how the future will fall, it just means that I am less afraid of the future being horrid.

The babies are such a blessing. Even though each one rebels against me calling them babies, it still is a blessing everyday to wake up to the sweet meanderings of children. Some days I could do without the teenage angst and the squabbles but most days I am happy to just be able to see them and smile.

We have fought and today we have won a small victory towards the future, but we are not done fighting yet. The angst for me is that no matter what I just want them happy. My happiness does not matter as long as they, my beautiful babies grow up to be the beautiful amazing people that I know they are.

Sometimes the loneliness surrounds me and I feel at odds with the strictures placed upon me, but as the adult it is my duty to rise above and hope for a better day. I can see the better day coming but it does seem so far away. I do falter in my prayers sometimes when I face my cold lonely bed, and I think God please.... but then I remember that I am not the important issue here, they are.

The house is quiet now. Only the ocean machine is making noise. I am awake and alone and pondering a good day. We had a wonderful time at the field trip. We went to the Metamora court house and other parts of old Metamora and learned many wonderful things. Adia was so happy all day. She smiled and laughed and refused to leave my side.

So my lesson is patience, perhaps someday soon my dreams and hopes will be fulfilled but until that time I am focused on making all of their dreams come true. And come hell or high water, I will make it so.

I think I will sleep on the couch tonight. In fact I will. My bed is too big and too lonely to sleep in.

Until then, I remain here waiting and hoping and praying...


My music tonight...

Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine

I was a quick, wet boy
Diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes
Wide on my plastic toys
Then when the cops closed the fairI cut my long, baby hair
And stole me a dog-eared map
And called for you everywhere
Have I found youFlightless bird, jealous, weeping
Or lost you, American mouth
Big pill looming
Now I'm a fat house cat
Nursing my sore, blunt tongue
Watching the warm, poison rats
Curl through the wide fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures
Thrown in the cold and clean
Blood of Christ mountain stream
Have a found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding
Or lost you, American mouth
Big pill stuck going down

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

"When all the world is a hopeless jumble and the rain drops tumble all around,

Heaven opens a magic lane.

When all the clouds darken up the sky ways there's a rainbow highway to be found.

Leading from your window pane.

To a place behind the sun just a step beyond the rain...

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high

There´s a place a land that i heard of

Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue

And the dream that you dare to dream

Really does come true

One day i wish upon a star

Wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Way upon the chimney tops

That´s where you´ll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow

Blue birds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why, oh why can´t i?

Where troubles melt like lemon drops

Way upon the chimney tops

That´s where you´ll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow

Blue birds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why, oh why can´t i?

I sang this song to my daughter recently and we had a moment of just true peace and love. We dreamed of what the world would be like if we had just peace. No yelling, no fighting, no mean people, just God's love and our love and a world of peace and freedom. We talked about a loving peaceful world were no one was hungry or hurting or at odds. We talked about a place where there was no need for soup kitchens and sad people who needed to see therapists. We drew a rainbow picture and then discovered that the world we live in needs people like us to make it better. She was crying a bit and sad a bit, but she understood that the need to help the world get better is very important.

So we looked at what would be our rainbow. She said that me being a nurse was a rainbow, and I told her yes it was my greatest rainbow next to being a mommy.

Perhaps I should have told her that even if mommy was not a nurse then I would still try to help the sick and needy with whatever I could because that is what God has called me to do. I missed that opportunity. I should have told her that my rainbow is waking up and knowing that my three babies are well, healthy, whole and wonderful. Just knowing they are here and living good happy lives makes me live a rainbow everyday. I should have told her that no matter what happens in this life that God has called us to be servants to each other and to fulfill our mission in life with honesty, love and integrity. No matter if I am a nurse who saves lives or a waitress bringing sustenance to others, it is my/our mission to be helpers of mankind. I hope she will understand that one day. I intend to tell her soon.

All three of my babies are my rainbows. They are my happiness.

I have been fortunate. I have a job that allows me to fulfill my mission in life, I have the love of a good decent honest and wonderful man, and I have the most beautiful children. I am blessed beyond imagining. I need nothing else.

Right now the skies are kinda dark, and the clouds are threatening, but I have what I need. God will provide the rest and I will accept whatever comes.

Noteables

I like quotes. I like to read them and ponder them, and sometimes I like to apply them. It is a very interesting thing to look into someones thought process and find out the better and worse qualities of a mind. It never fails to amaze me what we can come up with as humans and thinkers. Sometimes I am stumped and sometimes I am very appal ed but most often I am amazed.

Today's quote from Mother Theresa goes like this..."I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world." Wow what a statement. She really was a large pencil, but in her humility she stated she was a small fragment of God's good works. So I say to myself as I ponder her thoughts that what sort of pencil am I? I thought perhaps I am a very small nibbed pencil and I don't make a difference at all in this world, but someone very dear to me told me to think again and take a deeper look into myself. So that is my journey today in this blog...a deeper look.

What makes a difference? I give a dollar to the homeless man and a smile. I give food to those who need it. I give any material items my family can't use to the less fortunate, I go to Mass on a regular basis. Humm that's not a big dent in the world at all. It helps those little things. So I think in looking deeper I am not succeeding.

The difference in being a big pencil and a small snub pencil is not only what we do but what we live. So I am thinking very diligently what do I live? I have my thoughts on politics and religion. I have my opinions on society and culture. I have my black and white logic and my shadings of grey logic. But what do I live?

So I made a list of everything I request and require from my children and myself. It's not all inclusive, but it is a good start on the process of finding how we live our lives.

I make meals and request we sit as a family to eat dinner so we can talk to each other.
I request and require that we pray together everyday at least once not counting meal time.
I request and require positive words and affirmations when we deal with each other as a family and with those who are around us.
I request respect of elders and children alike. I request not to take the Lord's name in vain or to use fowl words.(Does not always happen but we try.)
I request that we laugh and play and show affection with hugs and high fives. I request that each child hears and feels I love you daily.
I request that we do community service as a family and as individuals.
I request that we give God his full due and pay attention in Mass and then discuss it afterwards.
I request that we hold God at the center of our family and be open to His gifts and wisdom.
I request that we have time to share with friends and family that build lasting memories.
I request that we do projects together and work with our hands learning new skills like sewing and painting and crafting.
I request that we do not go to bed angry or upset with each other.
I request that no gets hit or spanked or hurt by each other. We are a family and a family is love not punishment by pain.
I also request that we read daily and study diligently to become better people.

All in all it is rather a short list. I have to think harder perhaps to come up with a more detailed list, but that is the basics I know. And so far it's worked pretty well living that way. Sometimes we fall out, all of us do. Sometimes there are squabbles and fights and hurt feelings, but with love therapy and hugs instead of spankings, those don't happen often. Not everyday is going to be a good day. It's like I tell my son when he is having a rough go of it and is misbehaving. I say "Buggie Boo you are not a bad boy, you are just having a bad day. We can fix that." And then we spend our time fixing the bad day to make it a good one. Sometimes all he needs is for me to listen and give an extra hug. Then it's all good and there is not another issue all day. Sometimes to avoid problems you have to be proactive and preventative. In that measure I am all about giving hugs and high fives and posting crafts and homework on the fridge. You can barely find the handle I have so much posted on it. The wall next to it is useable space as well. I even have their art framed and used as decorations in the home. But it is the respect, the affirmation, the attention to just them that makes those little issues not turn into big ones. Through my actions and my words I say to each child "I love you. I respect you. I am proud of you." Makes life a whole lot easier let me tell you.

I do that with friends and family as well. I love you, I respect you, I am proud of you and I am proud that you love me too. Makes the days go by on a happy happy note.

Yesterday was a good day. My oldest and I got to be in the St Patty's Day parade. We were riding on a flatbed float throwing candy to the crowd and waving having a great time. Then we went and had lunch with a wonderful friend. Then we spent family time with another family and had the traditional dinner of corned beef and cabbage and corn muffins and potatoes. The children played outside, we took a long walk after dinner, we played Wii afterwards and we just laughed and had a wonderful time. When Ave and I were leaving she said to me.."Today felt really good, like it's supposed to be, you know? Like family." That was a notable quote too, because she saw what I see and for a teenager to say that is huge. She saw and felt the love of good friends and good happy laughter. She saw what it was really about. Love feels good.

Sigh..And sigh again

A big sigh. When my mother used to sigh at me I would always ask her what was wrong. After a few times she would say "Nothing Dorienne I just sigh..." I remember that because in my young brain I said I would never sigh like that. Unfortunately, I now understnad why she would sigh. It's not like you can tell your child all the things on your mind, so instead you hide it behind a sigh. I get it now. So....Sigh.

I would like to hold myself to a better standard and I like to think I keep to that standard, but sometimes things happen that make me remember that I am only human and I will eventually make mistakes. When I make those mistakes I have to remember that perhaps I am not as bad as I imagine and I should just let it go.

I like to think about lions and their mothering skills sometimes. Mother lions are very protective and very dedicated to thier young. They are fierce and loving. Human mothers can be the same way. I know this and when we feel our children are being mistreated in anyway we become fierce.

I don't think it is the fierce moments that define us however. I think it is those other moments, the millions of little moments that happen day to day. The bandaid, the smile, the words of encouragement, the going out of your way to buy pudding pops for a play date even though you really did not have the time to stop at the store and find that one perfect box of frozen goodness. But you do it anyway.

Mothers are very defined characters. In the media when a mother does a horendous act the public fails to understand it and rails against the mother. However when a mother does a heoric act or a daily affermation of love, no one seems to notice. Ohh but they notice. The babies notice and remember. Not just mommys but daddies too. They remember ever time you sat down and did homework with them. They rmeember ever baked cookie and every mud pie, and every bandaid. They make the world seem full and wonderful just with a simple smile and a loving wave as they run off to play and be happy.

Today is a day. Tomorrow is a day. And perhaps we can all just sit and be greatful for what we have and the blessings we have. No one knows how much time we all have. Only God knows, and so with that being said, I am going to head off to bed and get some sleep. I have Mass in the morning and three sleepy babies to get up and go. We have a play date and a Sunday dinner to make. We have banana bread to make and a craft to complete. We have to throw the baseball around in the backyard and listen to stories that were written. I am going to enjoy every minute I have and be greatful.

Fear Itself

In Mass on Sunday, we discussed sin. Or rather we listened while the homily was about sin and how it affects us. I thought hard about what was said to us. I really pondered what I think of as right and wrong. I wondered about the grey area that sometimes clouds our judgement. Truly the hardest thing to do is look in the mirror and say, "You are doing wrong. You must do better."

On the reverse of that I remembered a few other little quips from previous homilies. When we are on the right path and we are doing what is right and what must be done, we are tempted the worst. What makes you stray from your dedication but the sweetest temptation? And how sweet it is when we fall and give in? Right?

So I am sitting here seriously pensive thinking of all the wrongs I committed in my life and all the "I'm sorry's" I have said and I am thinking that perhaps being so hard on myself is not going to make me feel better or be less pensive, but it will steer me in the right direction of not making those mistakes again and never having to apologize for doing the same wrong thing. That I suppose is growth and maturity.

I wonder in my daily life about the black and white and the grey. As we grow and mature we find so many areas in our lives and our virtues that we can shade grey and try to maneuver out of doing the right thing. However at the end of the day and thus the end of our life we have to atone for those grey areas. It reminds me of a movie from the 80's called Defending Your Life. What will I say when I have to defend my position to God in the final moments of my soul? I want to be able to say "Yes Lord I made mistakes but I lived my life by the goodness and grace of the examples you sent to us." That should not be so hard, I think, perhaps I am wrong.

Looking over the daily headlines it seems I am wrong. Where has all the goodness in the world gone? Where has our God gone? What do we need in this age to rediscover the goodness inside of us and around us?

God is still with us. I know it, I feel it. The goodness we once prided ourselves on is still evident in the world, but daily it gets harder and harder to find as we obsess over the evil and wrong doing.

Tomorrow is a big day for me and my tender family and we need as many prayers of support as we can get. We are looking for a miracle and a good turn around. tomorrow is just the stepping stone to a new and difficult adventure for us, but we are going to withstand it together. I am hopeful and I am afraid of the journey.

So my lesson today is fear. My greatest downfall has always been pride, but today it is fear. I am afraid that the bad and the wrong will over take the goodness I know is there in the world. I fear that humanity is going to such lengths towards misery that we have lost sight of the joy.

My heart is heavy tonight.