Nothing like a good challenge to get the blood going. Even if you are scared beyond belief the only thing to do is to get it started to get it done. Challenge is the be all end all of your life. How you meet those challenges is the way to the building of a better you. so today I was challenged, over and over, and I like to think I made those challenges and I accepted them and moved forward. It's a good day when you can meet them head on even through your fear. I was terrified, but I did it. And I may cry over it later, but I made it.
So I get to relax a bit, do more studies and then well I get to wake up tomorrow morning and say, Challenge me!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Disappointment and Adulthood
Disappointment seems to rear it's insidious little head when you think things are going on a good path. Today was a good day. Sure not a perfect day, but a good day none the less. Sometimes things just happen for a reason and sometimes things just happen. I think back to what I have learned as I have grown up and I realise that perhaps I did not start getting intelligent until I was thirty or so. Now that was only four years ago, however I have come to realise that I was rather dumb in my twenties. I liked to think that I knew everything, and I like to think that I had all the answers, but it was quite an epiphany when I woke up one morning and knew for a fact that my learning curve was a bit scewed.
It's not important the events or the reasons behind the events that lead me to this new knowledge, but it is important to know that I realised everyday is a day for an opportunity to learn something new and grow as a person. Funny how when you close yourself off to other's opinions and knowledge base, you close yourself off completely.
I can't say that I am happy with all the circumstances in my life right now, but I can say that I have learned more than I ever would have if I had stayed stagnant and oblivious. However, even knowing that life has its curves and turns does not make the bitterness of regret any easier to bear. Some regrets are taken softly and slowly and you heal from them. Some regrets on the other hand are much harder to swallow and follow you around no matter where you are or who you are with.
So today, I was disappointed. I was hurt and I was upset, but I was also enlightened. I saw a family today with the strength to let go in love, and I saw a family today pull together and put aside their differences to celebrate a very special little girl. Two separate families two separate occasions, but two very special blessings. So I think perhaps my disappointments are just that a little lump in the road. I could use a shoulder to cry on today, but instead I am writing a blog and then going to put together a research paper. I am doing that because I refuse to be disappointed in myself and have more regret. I have a set of goals that need accomplishing and the only way I am going to do that is if I work hard, study hard, and remember the important things.
Sometimes when you are at your worst you discover your best. My best seems to be over coming the lies and heartache others wish to put upon my heart. Forgiveness is the major factor in letting go of disappointment. After all disappointment is an unmet need or unmet expectation. I find that if I only have expectations in myself then I am rarely disappointed. I also find that being so untrusting of others is a very lonely place to be. So I put my heart out there and I realise that these days do happen. I would rather these bad things come so I don't miss even one of the little happy moments and thusly I remove the disapointment from my life.
It's not important the events or the reasons behind the events that lead me to this new knowledge, but it is important to know that I realised everyday is a day for an opportunity to learn something new and grow as a person. Funny how when you close yourself off to other's opinions and knowledge base, you close yourself off completely.
I can't say that I am happy with all the circumstances in my life right now, but I can say that I have learned more than I ever would have if I had stayed stagnant and oblivious. However, even knowing that life has its curves and turns does not make the bitterness of regret any easier to bear. Some regrets are taken softly and slowly and you heal from them. Some regrets on the other hand are much harder to swallow and follow you around no matter where you are or who you are with.
So today, I was disappointed. I was hurt and I was upset, but I was also enlightened. I saw a family today with the strength to let go in love, and I saw a family today pull together and put aside their differences to celebrate a very special little girl. Two separate families two separate occasions, but two very special blessings. So I think perhaps my disappointments are just that a little lump in the road. I could use a shoulder to cry on today, but instead I am writing a blog and then going to put together a research paper. I am doing that because I refuse to be disappointed in myself and have more regret. I have a set of goals that need accomplishing and the only way I am going to do that is if I work hard, study hard, and remember the important things.
Sometimes when you are at your worst you discover your best. My best seems to be over coming the lies and heartache others wish to put upon my heart. Forgiveness is the major factor in letting go of disappointment. After all disappointment is an unmet need or unmet expectation. I find that if I only have expectations in myself then I am rarely disappointed. I also find that being so untrusting of others is a very lonely place to be. So I put my heart out there and I realise that these days do happen. I would rather these bad things come so I don't miss even one of the little happy moments and thusly I remove the disapointment from my life.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Expectations
I am a nervous test taker. Are you a nervous test taker? I shake in my seat until the pencil gets to the paper and then the questions take me over. Sometimes I think about it, rethink about a question, and then rethink about the question until I am so confused in my own brain that I have trouble remembering what the question was originally asking. However, when someone asks me a direct question, I have the ability to close my eyes and see the text book or reference or file card in front of me and I can repeat that information verbatim. Weird.
Brings me to the topic of today. Nervous! I am starting a new job. I have experience. I am actually very knowledgeable about my profession. However, after sitting through a week of New Nurse Orientation, I realized that the standards and level of excellence that is expected of me in my new job is so far above that of my old one, I feel like a novice. I am more than excited about my position. Ecstatic, elated, over joyed, proud all of those are a close to what I feel inside. I have the opportunity to advance in my career and my knowledge base. I have dreamt about a position like this one and I thank God for it. So why am I so nervous?
Like I tell my children anything new can cause weird feelings and a bit of stress. Even though it is a good thing a positive move up, you can still feel stress. For my six year old I ask him about his tummy. For my nine year old I have to tell her to sit still and for my lovable teenager I have to remind her to be quiet as she has talked for over an hour non-stop. For me it's the doubt. Am I good enough?
So I am sitting now after taking a few exams, and I know I did not do the greatest job. I was way to nervous to think straight. I wanted to be brilliant and impress, but more importantly I wanted to understand and learn from what I was doing. So I admitted that I was nervous. I stated my reservations and I did the best I could. And I am happy about it.
I have gone from an environment of watching your back and keeping your patient stable as best as you can until the hospital resources open again at 7am. Now I am in an environment of support and resources 24/7 as well as an environment of education and learning. So I am going to enjoy my new job and learn everything I can so I can be a better nurse and a better person. I am so grateful that I have this opportunity and I don't intend on wasting it. I also know that I am harder on myself than anyone else will ever be. That is my lesson in life to learn I think.
Brings me to the topic of today. Nervous! I am starting a new job. I have experience. I am actually very knowledgeable about my profession. However, after sitting through a week of New Nurse Orientation, I realized that the standards and level of excellence that is expected of me in my new job is so far above that of my old one, I feel like a novice. I am more than excited about my position. Ecstatic, elated, over joyed, proud all of those are a close to what I feel inside. I have the opportunity to advance in my career and my knowledge base. I have dreamt about a position like this one and I thank God for it. So why am I so nervous?
Like I tell my children anything new can cause weird feelings and a bit of stress. Even though it is a good thing a positive move up, you can still feel stress. For my six year old I ask him about his tummy. For my nine year old I have to tell her to sit still and for my lovable teenager I have to remind her to be quiet as she has talked for over an hour non-stop. For me it's the doubt. Am I good enough?
So I am sitting now after taking a few exams, and I know I did not do the greatest job. I was way to nervous to think straight. I wanted to be brilliant and impress, but more importantly I wanted to understand and learn from what I was doing. So I admitted that I was nervous. I stated my reservations and I did the best I could. And I am happy about it.
I have gone from an environment of watching your back and keeping your patient stable as best as you can until the hospital resources open again at 7am. Now I am in an environment of support and resources 24/7 as well as an environment of education and learning. So I am going to enjoy my new job and learn everything I can so I can be a better nurse and a better person. I am so grateful that I have this opportunity and I don't intend on wasting it. I also know that I am harder on myself than anyone else will ever be. That is my lesson in life to learn I think.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
the Hard Questions
It's a very good morning when you wake up. Someone told me that once and I never gave it a thought because yes we wake up every morning, but sometimes we don't do we? This blog is not about death or anything that sad, however it is about being grateful that we wake up and we have blessings all around us even when we think we don't.
This morning I was very excited to wake up for some reason. I am the grouchy morning person you do not talk to until I have had at least one cup of coffee if not two. However this morning was different. I got up, woke up the children with the "Raise and shine and give God the glory..." song and tons of kisses. My oldest daughter was having none of my cheerfulness. She was quite annoyed actually.
"Mom, stop it I am so too old for that! Save it for the babies..."blah blah blah in her usual teenage language. My niece on the other hand giggled and sat up and eagerly went to the kitchen table for a bowl of cereal.
We all got dressed and headed out to Mass. Now dragging a revolutionary questioning teenager to Mass is quite a challenge especially when each question is very difficult to answer. Her questions lately consist of "Why does God allow bad things to happen?" or "What has God done for me?" or "Why should we believe in God when he doesn't care about all the suffering we go through here on earth?" These questions always make me pause and sometimes I don't have a good answer. Sometimes I want to think the same thing. Then sometimes I want to have a crisis of faith and give up on God too.
However, today at Mass, the homily was such a good one, and so needed on a day when I did not have good answers. Father Michael made some very good strong points. The homily was about standing up for those who can not stand for themselves, being grateful for what you have and knowing how to share what you have with love to those who don't have as much. My daughter sat next to me and held my hand and listened. She really listened. She did not fall asleep which I was very grateful for. Later in the car after Mass was over, I asked the children what they thought about the Homily and what it meant to them. My lovely niece said that we should be nice to each other and help those who need it. My revolutionary teenager said, "Mom, it means that no matter what we do, even the little things matter. We do the right thing because we are supposed to. And we help those who don't have food and stuff because we are supposed to because that is how we show God's love." I smiled and said that's right. So then I was able to answer one of those hard questions. "What has God done for me?" I looked right at her and said God gave me you and he gave you me. I show you love and faith and the right thing to do because God lives in me and our love shines through because of Him.
It was a good moment because she understood and she said "Well thank God for that, cause you are the best Mommy ever."
When I get a Mommy instead of a Mom or Mother, then it's a good day and we have connected. So I think that perhaps I am not doing such a bad job as a parent. Even though I drag her to CCD classes and I drag her to Mass and I drag her to volunteer events, she gets it. At least today she gets it and maybe someday when she has children of her own she will understand more fully and do the same.
So I am grateful I woke up cheerful today. I am grateful that we made it to Mass today. If we had missed it, then perhaps we would have missed that special moment together. So I say to God today, Thank you for giving me the opportunity to show your love through me to my daughter when she needed it most.
This morning I was very excited to wake up for some reason. I am the grouchy morning person you do not talk to until I have had at least one cup of coffee if not two. However this morning was different. I got up, woke up the children with the "Raise and shine and give God the glory..." song and tons of kisses. My oldest daughter was having none of my cheerfulness. She was quite annoyed actually.
"Mom, stop it I am so too old for that! Save it for the babies..."blah blah blah in her usual teenage language. My niece on the other hand giggled and sat up and eagerly went to the kitchen table for a bowl of cereal.
We all got dressed and headed out to Mass. Now dragging a revolutionary questioning teenager to Mass is quite a challenge especially when each question is very difficult to answer. Her questions lately consist of "Why does God allow bad things to happen?" or "What has God done for me?" or "Why should we believe in God when he doesn't care about all the suffering we go through here on earth?" These questions always make me pause and sometimes I don't have a good answer. Sometimes I want to think the same thing. Then sometimes I want to have a crisis of faith and give up on God too.
However, today at Mass, the homily was such a good one, and so needed on a day when I did not have good answers. Father Michael made some very good strong points. The homily was about standing up for those who can not stand for themselves, being grateful for what you have and knowing how to share what you have with love to those who don't have as much. My daughter sat next to me and held my hand and listened. She really listened. She did not fall asleep which I was very grateful for. Later in the car after Mass was over, I asked the children what they thought about the Homily and what it meant to them. My lovely niece said that we should be nice to each other and help those who need it. My revolutionary teenager said, "Mom, it means that no matter what we do, even the little things matter. We do the right thing because we are supposed to. And we help those who don't have food and stuff because we are supposed to because that is how we show God's love." I smiled and said that's right. So then I was able to answer one of those hard questions. "What has God done for me?" I looked right at her and said God gave me you and he gave you me. I show you love and faith and the right thing to do because God lives in me and our love shines through because of Him.
It was a good moment because she understood and she said "Well thank God for that, cause you are the best Mommy ever."
When I get a Mommy instead of a Mom or Mother, then it's a good day and we have connected. So I think that perhaps I am not doing such a bad job as a parent. Even though I drag her to CCD classes and I drag her to Mass and I drag her to volunteer events, she gets it. At least today she gets it and maybe someday when she has children of her own she will understand more fully and do the same.
So I am grateful I woke up cheerful today. I am grateful that we made it to Mass today. If we had missed it, then perhaps we would have missed that special moment together. So I say to God today, Thank you for giving me the opportunity to show your love through me to my daughter when she needed it most.
Friday, January 22, 2010
The Better Person
Being the bigger better person sometimes has consequences. When you wait around for the world to change you find yourself waiting a very very long time. It's amazing how many of us sit in silence and just wait. Then in a moment of clarity we jump up and decide to do something about it. Something that will help, not hinder our process of growth and development as well as support those around us in a positive manner.
I often look around me at the needs in my community and it never fails to amaze me how many people are willing to help, but don't know how. When I am asked' "What can I do?", I always answer it starts with the whole philosophy of pay it forward. Remember that movie? Well the concept has been around for a long time. It's called karma. Give and receive. What do you receive besides the peace of mind that you helped someone in need? You receive a deeper understanding of how every action you make affects the world around you. One act of kindness can snowball into an avalanche of good deeds.
So my challenge to everyone who reads this is to go out and do an act of random kindness and note how much better you feel inside. And then sit back and be amazed at how good things come back to you.
I often look around me at the needs in my community and it never fails to amaze me how many people are willing to help, but don't know how. When I am asked' "What can I do?", I always answer it starts with the whole philosophy of pay it forward. Remember that movie? Well the concept has been around for a long time. It's called karma. Give and receive. What do you receive besides the peace of mind that you helped someone in need? You receive a deeper understanding of how every action you make affects the world around you. One act of kindness can snowball into an avalanche of good deeds.
So my challenge to everyone who reads this is to go out and do an act of random kindness and note how much better you feel inside. And then sit back and be amazed at how good things come back to you.
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