What is the day you realized you had the world in your hands?

It's almost three am and I am awake. After a busy day doing all the mommy things that I have to do I should be sleeping. Although, tonight I can't. I have been sleeping like a baby for the past ten days and have had such peace since I made a crucial decision in my life. Tonight however I am awake and I have so many things to talk about, but no one to listen. So I write.

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you want to shout from the rooftops? I am at such a moment, but before I get to that moment we have to consider all the other moments that have led up to it.

I am not good with alone. I have never been good with alone, however I have learned to be alone and have had to try to cope with the daily goings and comings of everyone around me. Six months of alone and constant disappointments. That is fine. That is the way of the world. We do what we must and cope with the rest.

I must say here that I pray everyday. I do. Even if I don't broadcast it and people around me think I am some bohemian misfit, I pray everyday. I ask for forgiveness, I ask for love and I ask for healthy happy children and guidance from the true mother of us all. I humble myself because I need to. Everyday is a reminder that I am in need of help and guidance and as far as I am concerned the Mother Mary is the best celestrial guidance I can ask for. So I do. She may not like my everyday life, but she appreciates that I try my hardest to live within the example she set.

Saying that, I have more to explain and more to expound upon. Tonight as I stay awake, my heart is miles from me. My woman's heart is far from me, but my Mother's heart is right next to me. I can't sleep because I keep peering into bedrooms and looking upon faces that I have memorized year after year. These faces produce in me a feeling of such love as to not be found I think except on the face and heart of every other mother I know. I keep looking for the one sigh or moment that means..."Mommy I need you." But they are sleeping.

Last night I was very needed. I had to chase monsters out of a closet and soothe the fears of a beautiful little boy who watched Monster's Inc, and thought Sully was hiding in the closet. Funny I thought it would be spiderman or Sonic the hedgehog that produced these fears.... Anyway, after chasing monsters, I had to secure the perimeter as I was told and make the safe spot so nothing could slip under the bed too. A radio, a nightlight, a flashlight, and a couple of stuffed animals later, and well I had someone crawl into bed with me anyway to be sung to sleep and then carried later to his own room. It was so super nice to cuddle him up and rock him like I used to do and sing him to sleep and carry him passed out to bed.

Today, wow today. Grocery shopping with children is quite an experience. Any mommy out there knows if you can leave the children at home while grocery shopping you should do it! It scares me how much they can manipulate me into buying food wise. I start with good intentions and give them healthy choices. We shake watermelons and tap apples and look over bananas and oranges, however when it comes to breakfast cereal and frozen treats, I get well I get hosed! I will admit a trip to super Walmart is not good for me. Well financially anyway. Breaks me every time. However at least I remembered the light bulbs!

We also went to the Family Thrift Store today with the mindset of finding baseball gear, shorts, and well old fashioned thermoses. I read an article recently about school lunches, and how healthier lunches start at home with mom. No longer is the lunch a sandwich a fruit snack and a chip and juice box, the lunch is now homemade soups and healthier sandwich wraps and homemade fruit cups. So we found three good thermoses and I am going to make another batch of chicken soup. That and pesto turkey wraps with fresh cut fruit cups will be on the menu Monday. Perhaps not only is it healthier and more filling but will also be a better introduction to expanding the palette. I want my children to eat veggies and fruits and new foods, but geez with all the box stuff and the precessed foods they get sometimes that is hard, but I am willing to try. If they trade at lunch time, well I can't prevent that, but I can introduce them to better choices. Right?

Then we played outside and rode bikes, I mowed part of the lawn and ran out of gas...Silly mommy did not have a gas pan to fill...sigh. After that we made dinner and it was a family affair. We made a huge Mexican feast and after an hour running around in the sun and a long day of shopping, we were hungry, so we munched down some tacos and enchiladas and burritos for the vegetarian, and watched a movie. After movies it was shower time and then reading prayers and bedtime. My Mommy's heart is full. We had a great day, full and exciting and just us. Nice.

You know I was going somewhere completely different with the start of this blog, but I am going to finish it with this. I love my children, I love my woman's heart who will be home soon, and I love the life that is ahead, because today the world is mine and I am happiest in it. No matter where I am, no matter what I do, no matter what happens, I have love and I have my life, my blessings, my beloved. Life is good.

Flightless bird

It's been a while since I have been able to update my blog and I have missed my thoughts flowing so effortlessly onto my computer screen. I find comfort in the small things lately. Life has been super stressful and very very mind boggling. So many good things have happened and so many no so good things as well.

It's so true when you imagine your life through that childhood mirror of what will happen and how great it will be when you are an adult. Then the reality hits and adulthood takes you and throws you to the wolves of reality.

Sometimes life can be crushing and other times life can be just blessings. So you take the blessings and hope for a better tomorrow. Well it is tomorrow and I see only bright futures ahead. That does not mean that I am not worried about how the future will fall, it just means that I am less afraid of the future being horrid.

The babies are such a blessing. Even though each one rebels against me calling them babies, it still is a blessing everyday to wake up to the sweet meanderings of children. Some days I could do without the teenage angst and the squabbles but most days I am happy to just be able to see them and smile.

We have fought and today we have won a small victory towards the future, but we are not done fighting yet. The angst for me is that no matter what I just want them happy. My happiness does not matter as long as they, my beautiful babies grow up to be the beautiful amazing people that I know they are.

Sometimes the loneliness surrounds me and I feel at odds with the strictures placed upon me, but as the adult it is my duty to rise above and hope for a better day. I can see the better day coming but it does seem so far away. I do falter in my prayers sometimes when I face my cold lonely bed, and I think God please.... but then I remember that I am not the important issue here, they are.

The house is quiet now. Only the ocean machine is making noise. I am awake and alone and pondering a good day. We had a wonderful time at the field trip. We went to the Metamora court house and other parts of old Metamora and learned many wonderful things. Adia was so happy all day. She smiled and laughed and refused to leave my side.

So my lesson is patience, perhaps someday soon my dreams and hopes will be fulfilled but until that time I am focused on making all of their dreams come true. And come hell or high water, I will make it so.

I think I will sleep on the couch tonight. In fact I will. My bed is too big and too lonely to sleep in.

Until then, I remain here waiting and hoping and praying...


My music tonight...

Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine

I was a quick, wet boy
Diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes
Wide on my plastic toys
Then when the cops closed the fairI cut my long, baby hair
And stole me a dog-eared map
And called for you everywhere
Have I found youFlightless bird, jealous, weeping
Or lost you, American mouth
Big pill looming
Now I'm a fat house cat
Nursing my sore, blunt tongue
Watching the warm, poison rats
Curl through the wide fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures
Thrown in the cold and clean
Blood of Christ mountain stream
Have a found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding
Or lost you, American mouth
Big pill stuck going down